Not Quite What I'd Expected
by Sheo Darren
Summary: "I've grown quite tired of observing a static subject. That's why…" Asakura Ryoko told me, "I'll make out with you and see how Suzumiya Haruhi responds." Chapter 11: Dreams, Near-Death Experiences, and Near-Kyon Experiences.
1. Chapter 1

"I've grown quite tired of observing a static subject. That's why…" Asakura Ryoko told me, "I'll make out with you and see how Suzumiya Haruhi responds."

"Huh?"

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****Not Quite What I'd Expected**

A Suzumiya Haruhi No Yuutsu Fan Fic

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Disclaimer:**Haruhi not mine. Else, I'd have Nagato, Ryoko, Haruhi and Emiri in that order.

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**Asakura stood right in front of me. I realize just then that she's pretty tall for a girl. She didn't need to stand on her toes to take me by the back of my head so she can pull my face down to hers and–

She kissed me full on the mouth.

She tasted like… blueberries. Sweet blueberries packed into glass jars filled with its own juices as a soak to enhance its flavor tenfold. Asakura was delicious, delectably delicious sweetness that you spoiled yourself on special occasions only, because to indulge more often would be a mortal sin– yet even if you burned in Hell because of it, it was fine.

Her lips were soft and moist like the choicest bread muffins, the kind that kisses your lips before melting in your mouth. They melded into mine with a hunger at once both desperate and restrained, pushing and pulling and moving with and against mine.

Her tongue vigorously explored my mouth. I felt it find my own, felt it wrestle with mine for dominance. She proved stronger (but I strangely didn't mind losing, not this time, not even to a girl) and pinned me against the floor of my mouth for the decisive three-count, reducing me to a ruined wreck.

Wow, Asakura's a really good French kisser…

I shivered. If I was told I was going to die now, I think I wouldn't mind.

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**"_Kyon! Remember, this is not a date! If I find you going off to have fun with her, I'll kill you!"_

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**Haruhi…

At that moment, I abruptly woke up from the dream and was thrust into the nightmare reality.

My hands found Asakura's shoulders. I shoved her away from me. She almost loses her balance. I would have been horrified as to how roughly I treated a girl if I wasn't in so much shock.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute. What is this? No, wait. What's going on here? Why did Asakura kiss me? Hold on a sec. What did Asakura say?** Make out **with me? Why? Naze? For what reason?

"Stop joking around!" I scolded her. "This is really embarrassing! What would people say if they caught us?"

"You think this is a joke? You don't like how I kiss?" Asakura cheerfully twiddled her fingers in a very cute manner. "I don't really understand the concepts of courtship and sexual rituals for organic life forms…"

"I don't get it! It's not funny! Stop this stupid thing at once!"

"That's impossible." She beamed at me. "Because I truly want to make out with you, Kyon."

She strode towards me. (Actually, I could have sworn she **teleported** towards me. Which merits a "What the?") I turn for the door.

What the? The door's gone!

"It's no use," Asakura told me. "This space is now under my data jurisdiction. No one can leave or enter."

I have no idea what's going on. If somebody comes, come here! And explain this to me!

"Say, just give up," she enticed me. "The result will be the same in the end."

"Who are you?" I demand.

Asakura's answer was to make for me. I ran behind desks, trying to get as far from her as possible. She just walked straight for me. The chairs and tables parted for her like the Red Sea did for Moses. Meanwhile **my** path was always blocked.

I decided to take a risk. I grabbed a chair and threw at Asakura. But my impromptu missile stops right before it hits her. Then it was grinded down into harmless white sparkles.

"Didn't I tell you it was useless? Right now, everything in this classroom moves according to my will."

Wait wait wait! What is this? Make out with me and see how Suzumiya Haruhi responds? Haruhi again? You sure are popular, Haruhi!

And wait. Why does that mean I have to make out with Asakura?

The whole classroom warps around me. Everything disappeared and got replaced by pink. Pink rug, pink walls, mirrors on the ceiling, a king-sized fur bed.

I'm inside a love motel room.

Oh, shit.

"I should have done this from the very beginning," Asakura told herself as much as she was telling me.

I stopped in place. I can't move my arms and legs. You can do that? I cry foul play!

"If I make out with you, Suzumiya-san is certain to take some sort of action."

Yeah, like kill us both!

"I'll probably be able to observe a considerable explosion of data. A golden opportunity."

I don't care!

"Now, please, be gentle with me…"

Shouldn't I be the one who should be saying that?

Asakura reached for me again.

The wall to my right explodes. 

"Ow! That hurts!"

Wait! I can move now?

A shocked Asakura – just as she's about to molest me. Standing between her and me is the slim figure of Nagato Yuki.

Nagato?

"Kyon is mine," Nagato stated.

Oh, shit.

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**To Be Continued **


	2. Chapter 2

Ding dong.

It's just another morning at North High.

"Good morning, Kyon-kun…"

Oh. Hi–

She smiles at me.

–Asakura.

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**  
****Not Quite What I'd Expected**

A Suzumiya Haruhi No Yuutsu Fan Fic

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**Now A Series Due To Popular Demand!

**  
Disclaimer**

Haruhi not mine. Though I have to admit, a Haruhi is fine, too…

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Dedication**

To HikariNiwa, YourStoryIsAwesome, and squallwis04. Here it is! Not as neat as the first chapter, but it has all my love, too!

Also, honorable mention to Lance Captain Jaramin Aldhern: You just got your wish.

Finally (and this is an edit), to Wind Falcon: Damn! I missed that! Augh! Retake! Retake!

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**Version 2.1**

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**_I watched in total awe as Nagato and Asakura traded dizzying storms of crystal projectiles throughout a madly-shifting selection of panoramas that included a grassy field, a bunch of old cars (I could have sworn I saw a certain yellow-and-black Classic Camaro! And a silver Pontiac Solstice! You know what– __**who**__ I mean!) stacked like Pringles potato crisps to the tune of weird but cool techno music._

_Wow. They're really aliens…_

_This amazing battle started like this:_

"_Kyon is mine," Nagato stated._

_Oh, shit, I went._

"_You refer to him as if he is yours?" Asakura asked._

_You know, she has a point. Please don't talk about me like I'm an object…_

_Asakura adds: "What does he think of that?"_

_Me? I think it's really creepy._

_Nagato: "…"_

"_Why the scary face?"_

_Scary? The best way to describe Nagato's face right now is that it kind of looks like this: (--)_

_Really. She does look like that._

"_You have overstepped your operational boundaries," Nagato said in a mantra-like tone._

_"You want to get in my way?" Asakura was still smiling, but I could feel the... menace? More like annoyance. "Once I make out with this person, Suzumiya Haruhi is bound to have some sort of reaction."_

_Haruhi again? Why don't you kiss Haruhi herself? I'm sure you'll get whatever reaction you want to get out of her… not to mention you two kissing would look really hot…_

"_What a naughty idea, Kyon-kun– but strangely appealing, I must admit."_

_Denied._

"_You are supposed to be my backup," Nagato interrupted. "This sort of insubordination is forbidden; you must obey my commands."_

"_All this over a kiss?" Asakura posed. "It wasn't like I tried to kill him…"_

_I choked. Then I realized she had a point. Which was cause for another double-take._

_Nagato: "…"_

_Oi! Nagato… don't tell me…_

"_Processing application for data interface disconnection."_

…_Nagato..._

_**  
**__So now I've got a ringside seat to a fight-to-the-death between two alien computers for my… uh… affections…_

…

_Hey! Don't I get a say in this?_

"_No," Asakura sang as she fired off a swarm of spears._

"_Negative," Nagato muttered as she deflected every single one of the attacks._

_...somehow, that really ticks me off…_

_**  
**__**SELECT serialcode**_

_**FROM database**_

_**WHERE code'data'**_

_**ORDER BY aggressivecombatdata**_

_**HAVING terminatemode**_

_**  
**__"Target name Asakura Ryoko, hostility confirmed. Disconnecting target's organic information interface," Nagato recited._

_Asakura froze. "No…"_

"_You are truly outstanding," Nagato allowed. "It took me some time to penetrate the program. But everything will end now."_

"_You've already planted destructive factors around long before I penetrated this place, haven't you?" Asakura looked despondent. "No wonder you looked rather weak. It was because you've used attacking data beforehand."_

_Weak? Nagato was practically bouncing you across the room or space or whatever. I was sort of expecting more action._

"_It's such a pity," Asakura mumbled. "After all, I'm just back-up… I thought this would be a good chance to break free of the deadlock…"_

"_Your only intention was to elicit a reaction from Suzumiya Haruhi?" Nagato inquired._

_Asakura paused. She smiled._

"_Well, to tell the truth, I had begun to understand a little more about why humans like sex–"_

_Nagato's hand blurred._

_Asakura looked really surprised. And hurt. And impaled by about half a dozen spears. She was bleeding all over the front of her blouse._

"_That," she gasped, "That was…"_

_Asakura!_

"…_that was __**mean**__, Nagato…"_

… _Somehow, I can really appreciate the irony of that statement._

_Asakura toppled like an axed tree. "Is… this… all?" she whimpered._

_Did you get that line off a video game or something?_

_Nagato's glasses gleamed. (Just like Gendo Ikari's would. Creepy…) She raises her hand to finish off Asakura._

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**The bell rings. Break time. Yay.

"Kyon-kun."

Oh. Asakura. Hi.

"Thank you very much for yesterday…"

You're welcome. I think.

"I owe you my– well, I owe you a lot."

You do.

"Of course." She beams while keeping her eyes closed, which I have to admit really suited her face.

Hard to believe she was all but dead yesterday.

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**_"Wait!"_

_To my surprise (and sudden horror), I found myself placed between the lion and her prey– I mean, between Nagato and Asakura._

"_Stop!" I was even holding my arms out to my sides with my hands open. A classic plea to get killed._

"_Kyon-kun?" Asakura sounded really startled._

_I know. I've seen this scene before in __Shakugan No Shana__. I'm really hoping you wouldn't attack me from behind like that creepy doll did with Yuuji…_

"_Kyon," Nagato ordered. "Move aside."_

_I'd tell you how glad I would be to do just that. But:_

"_Nagato!"_

_I feel so heroic yelling out her name like that. Even better, I actually stopped her._

"_?"_

_Me: "There's no need–"_

"_Kyon…"_

"–_to fight over me," I finished._

…

…

…

_Did I just say what I just said?_

_Yes, I did._

_Shit._

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**The door slides open. I glance over my shoulder. Asakura follows my gaze.

Great. Here comes the Charbydis to Asakura's Scylla.

Nagato Yuki calmly walks into the 1-5 classroom.

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**To Be Continued**

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****A/N: **I really should reply to you, my reviewers. I keep forgetting, though. Now, though, it is incumbent upon me to do so. Thus, the first (that I remember) **Sheo Darren Answers His Reviewers** section begins! In chronological order…

**  
JWM**: I don't mind KyonXHaruhi. But KyonXKoizumi is... ugh… brrrr… yaoi…

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**KyonXHaruhi**: What? Where? Where? I wish for a copy of this doujin! Stat!

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**Person with many aliases**: Oh, yes, Asakura is hot as Hell. Yuki is my Goddess, but Asakura is a welcome Lilith.

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**Eys Vyrz**: I lifted the opening almost completely word-by-word from a translation of the light novel. I just changed the legendary line "I have to kill you" with "I'll make out with you." Asakura was not meant to die so soon!

On the "Why? Naze?" part: Good point. I took most of the first chapter from the light novel, though I did watch the anime episode again.

**-**

**Tanuuki**: Thank you!

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**Box Queen**: Asakura has always struck me as simultaneously logical and unstable. That's part of her appeal. Psycho characters are always interesting. And psycho girls are always hot. Just look at Kaede from Shuffle.

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**Don Piano**: I went for blueberries because they're more or less the same color as Asakura's hair, as well as being sweet.

Nagato is actually a rather frightening girl, if you think about it. There is so much that can go wrong with her when it comes to relating with other people.

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**AC23**: Oh? You've one of my ManKin readers? browses reviews Well, while I can't find your reviews right now, I'm glad to meet you again!

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**HikariNiwa**: And here you are! I hope you like it!

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**Lone Wolf NEO**: Hey, buddy! Thanks for the GOLD. I need money. lol

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**Aphotic Bandit**: Glad you liked it.

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**Kirako**: Yes! Yes! I knew it! I just knew it was a genius line! Even better than Asakura's "make-out" statement! Sankyuu!!!

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**Nitro**: Yes, it's a great show. All the doujins and pictures and fan fics it spawned are inspiring me to write. I'm hoping that my story will go on for a long time.

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**YourStoryIsAwesome**: It's easy. This story will now become a harem-love-comedy that continuously teeters on the brink of an Apocalypse at the hand of a jealous tsundere God. Yep. Just another day in SHnY…

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**Qem**: Yes. Kyon is the real God of SHnY. That's why he gets all the girls.

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**MP5**: Arigatou.

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**Lance Captain Jaramin Aldhern**: Woah. I'd never thought I'd meet you here, so far from the Gunslinger Girl section!

As for your suggestion: though I find the idea of AsakuraXHaruhi **extremely hot**, I will have to pass on it. Maybe later, when I'm particularly feeling lonely because I have no girlfriend so far. --

If it makes you feel any better, Kyon shares your sentiments. lol

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**Mars**: Agreed!

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**squallwis04**: Indeed. Kyon's face at that moment is an absolute classic. As for your wish? You and the others just got it!

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To Everyone**: THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!


	3. Chapter 3

Nagato Yuki calmly walks into the 1-5 classroom.

A dumbstruck silence instantly seizes all my classmates

"Oi! Yuki? What are you doing here?"

Okay, except Haruhi...

"Anata…"

...and Asakura, who breathes the word like a curse…

Nagato ignored all the stares save one. Her golden-brown eyes locked with Asakura's blue ones.

Asakura frowned.

Everyone gasped. (Save me. I knew this was coming.) The unflappable class rep, annoyed by some strange newcomer girl?

Still perfectly expressionless, Nagato calmly takes Saeki's (Saeki, by the way, is the girl seated immediately to my right) chair, sits down, flips open her book to Page something and begins to read.

After briefly glancing at me. Out of the corner of her eye.

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**  
****Not Quite What I'd Expected**

A Suzumiya Haruhi No Yuutsu Fan Fic

**  
**Now A Series Due To Popular Demand!

**  
Disclaimer**

Haruhi not mine. Curse you, Noizi Ito. You've done what Keiichi Gotoh had repeatedly done to me: made me go nuts for yet another two-dimensional anime girl. Curse you! lol

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**_Previously, in __Asakura Ryoko versus Nagato Yuki: Duel of the Alien Computers_

_(Please put up with my silly headline. I feel I deserve it after basically refereeing a truce between them.)_

"_There's no need to fight over me!" I dumbly declare like some noble herald newly arrived on the battlefield to announce my liege lord's wishes._

_Asakura stares up at me._

_Nagato eyeballs me._

_I know what you're thinking. I myself can't believe I just said a really stupid thing…_

"_The only solution," Nagato begins._

_I then said something even stupider than what I'd just said earlier._

"_You can share!" I yell. "Right?"_

_Asakura stares._

_Nagato stares._

_At this point, I would have well-deserved the palm I later smacked into my own face._

"_No," both girls/aliens/computers outright refuse._

_Oh, come on, now, you two…_

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**"You're not supposed to be here," Asakura coldly said.

Nagato's answer was to flip to page 15.

"This is not your classroom."

"It is not," Nagato emotionlessly agreed.

"You're not allowed here."

"It is lunch break. There is no legal measure or precedent for restricting students' movements about the campus during break periods so long as the area they enter and/or stay in is not off limits."

"Where did you get that rule?"

"North High Student Handbook."

That actually shut Asakura up.

Wait. North High actually had a student handbook?

Our classmates were chatting amongst themselves none-too-subtly.

"Who's she?"

"She's a first year, too…"

"Woah, she just talked down Class Rep…"

"She's weird…"

"I think she's cute. What do you think, Kyon?"

I prefer her without glasses. I'm not really a glasses man.

"Oh?"

Just shut up, Taniguchi.

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**_"Look, Nagato," I had said. "You don't have to go this far. Asakura didn't hurt me. Sure, she surprised me, but there's no permanent damage done. It wasn't like she tried to cut me with a commando knife or something…"_

"_Actually, Kyon," Asakura noted, "I __**had**__ spent some time considering killing you instead of making out with you."_

…_you did?_

_Maybe I shouldn't stop Nagato after all._

"_Hidoi…"_

_Don't you think it's a bit too late for that?_

"_That was your first kiss," Nagato pointed out._

_Well, yeah, it was my first kiss. And I would have really liked to have done it with someone special. But Asakura isn't a bad person to share a first kiss with. And she's a really great ki–_

_Wait! Damn it! That __**was**__ my __**first**__ kiss! I feel violated!_

_And– Nagato? Why are you so worked up over __**that**__ detail?_

"_If it's any help," Asakura gaily offered, "It was my first kiss, too."_

_That isn't helping!_

"…"

_Yeah, Nagato, I have to agree with you on that._

"_Why do you protect her?" Nagato asked. She looked… confused?_

_Good question._

_Asakura looks very pitiful right now. She looks almost as pitiful as Asahina-senpai when Asahina-senpai is getting molested by Haruhi._

_Okay, wrong idea, Kyon, wrong idea…_

_Wait. Why am I calling myself by that stupid nickname as well? Augh!_

_I sigh. "She is my classmate," I mutter._

"_She is important to you?"_

…_why is it that I feel my doom resides in the way I answer your question?_

"…_uh, yes…"_

_Nagato frowned._

_It was the scariest thing I'd ever seen in my life yet. Scarier than Haruhi or Sadako or Korean animation._

"_Very well," Nagato pronounced with the finality of a judge decided on a sentence._

_I gulped._

"_I will rescind my request for your deletion for an indefinite period." Nagato stared at Asakura. "In return, I will lock down all of your combat and data manipulation capabilities. You will strictly adhere to the current parameters of passive observation of Suzumiya Haruhi and follow my orders. You will also not attempt to undermine my authority or attack any human. Do you understand and accept my terms?"_

"_Cross my heart and hope to die," Asakura cheerily agreed._

_Please don't take the terms of your parole so lightly…_

_Nagato nodded. "It is done. Records of the agreement have been filed and stored. Removing impure substances, reconstructing classroom…"_

_She began muttering words at high speed. The weird surroundings dissolved into glittering sand, which then combined to form the familiar 1-5 classroom._

_Wow. It's like CGI…_

_I then remembered that Asakura was still laid out across the floor._

_Shit._

"_Asakura! Hang in there! We'll call an ambulance!"_

"_There's no need," Nagato said._

_What do you mean 'no need'? You put half a dozen gaping holes in her body!_

_Wait… where're the holes? Where's all the blood?_

"_Don't worry," Asakura cheerily told me. "Physical damage doesn't mean anything to me. Nagato's priority is to restore this area of space back to its original state. Since she disabled my data manipulation abilities, she has to do this on her own."_

"_Are you really okay?" I asked._

"_Yes. Nagato's processing power was diverted into data operation. She's busy."_

"_I have just reversed the linking interface," Nagato reported. "I am now repairing Asakura."_

_That sounds good. I check Asakura's front just to be sure. Yep, no more holes there._

"_You need me to help you up?" I asked Asakura._

"_Thank you."_

_I hauled Asakura into a sitting position. But before she could stand, she paused as if startled._

"_Oh…"_

"_What?" I asked out of concern, moving my face near hers._

_Asakura's lips brushed mine._

"_Uh…"_

_She smiled._

"_Thank you, Kyon."_

_Uh… you're… welcome?_

_Nagato loomed over us like the blade of a guillotine._

_Asakura hugged me. She then shifted her grip on me so that I was between her and Nagato._

_Oi! I just saved your life! Don't use me as a human shield!_

"_Release Kyon," Nagato ordered._

"_I'm not violating the conditions of my parole," Asakura cheerily protested. "I just wanted to personally thank Kyon-kun."_

"_You are forbidden to initiate contact with Kyon from this point onwards."_

"_Is this another condition of my parole? You had already submitted the terms to the database," Asakura pointed out. "They're irrevocable now."_

_Nagato stared lasers ta her._

"_You forgot that, didn't you?" Asakura needled her._

"…"

"_Stop annoying Nagato, Asakura," I muttered. "Let her be," I told Nagato. "She can't hurt anyone now, can she?"_

_Her glance told me she was unhappy with the situation. Well, as unhappy as Nagato can be._

_Asakura winked at me. "Kyon. Thank you for my life. I'll make-"_

_Nagato knelt down beside us lightning fast. Her hands made for Asakura's neck._

"_-this up to you one day," was Asakura's finish. She beamed at Nagato, who had frozen in mid-grab. "Were you expecting me to say something else?"_

"…"

_Please stop fighting, you, two…_

"_Sure, Kyon-kun."_

_And call me by my real name!_

"_But Kyon sounds so cute…"_

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**So now I've got two humanoid interfaces hovering around me, competing for my attention… and affection?

"Kyon-kun…"

"…"

It can't get any worse.

"**Kyon…"**

Uh…

The Tyrant Goddess fills my vision. A scowl covers half of her furious face. A finger stabbed at Nagato.

…oh…

"**What is the meaning of this?"** Haruhi screeched.

…me and my big mouth...

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**To Be Continued**

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****A/N: **I had been kindly warned by a reviewer that answering reviews will get me banned. So, I will reluctantly make do with just this: thank you very much, all of you, for reading and reviewing.


	4. Chapter 4

So now I've got two humanoid interfaces hovering around me, competing for my attention… and affection?

"Kyon-kun…"

"…"

It can't get any worse.

"**Kyon…"**

Uh…

The Tyrant Goddess fills my vision. A scowl covers half of her furious face. A finger stabbed at Nagato.

…oh…

"**What is the meaning of this?"** Haruhi screeched.

…me and my big mouth...

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**  
****Not Quite What I'd Expected**

A Suzumiya Haruhi No Yuutsu Fan Fic

**  
**Now A Series Due To Popular Demand!

**  
Disclaimer**

Haruhi not mine. Guest appearances and mentions not mine.

Aside: does anyone know where I can get my hands on the AsakuraXKyon doujin where the two of them got married and have a kid? A million thanks to the generous soul who can give me the sauce– err, source!

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**The bell announces the end of class.

Fortunately, Haruhi has cleaning duty. For this I thank the new teacher, some perpetually depressed guy with a really bad name. And here I thought my nickname was bad. At least I don't have a name that translates to "Despair" when written horizontally.

Even better, Asakura left the classroom before I did. And to make it a really good ending, Nagato wasn't waiting at the doorway.

Haruhi sent me off with the usual threat. "Kyon! I don't want you slacking during brigade hours! Get to the clubhouse yesterday, or consider yourself a dead man!"

Yeah, yeah, I get the impossibility.

"And no flirting!"

What makes you think that?

She glowers at me.

Actually, Haruhi looks cute in this mode. Just that she would kill me for entertaining wrong thoughts about her.

"I heard that! Five demerits!"

…you're not a teacher…

"**Ten** demerits for talking back!"

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**Outside the classroom:

"Kyon-kun!" Asakura comes out of nowhere and saunters over to me. No wonder she left early. She wanted to ambush me. "May I ask a favor?"

Sure, so long as you don't call me Kyon anymore in return.

"But it's such a cute name!"

…

"Anyway," Asakura said all sweetly, "Can you walk me home later after school?"

It was the most clichéd shoujo manga scenario. And the most dangerous offer in history.

Asakura… you have no idea of what kind of trouble you're courting…

"Why? Do you walk home with Suzumiya-san?"

…you're as annoying as Kunikida…

"I am so hurt that you're comparing me with an uncute boy…"

You should be.

"Hidoi… So… will you walk home with me?"

…are you going to do something bad to me if I refuse?

The blue eyes and luscious mouth beneath those exemplary eyebrows took on fey curves. "I'll do something **good** to you if you agree…"

Actually, that's more frightening than an outright threat.

"Kyon."

I'm saved.

Nagato stares at Asakura. "Leave," she orders.

"Yes, Master."

That is so anime-ish.

"I'll wait for you at the gate," Asakura bids me.

You do know you'll be waiting for hours, since Haruhi won't let us out of the clubroom until she's satisfied.

"It's all right. Maybe you'll come faster if you know you're making me wait for you."

…are you blackmailing me?

"Why, Kyon-kun. I wouldn't dream of it."

"Go back to the apartment," Nagato intervenes.

"Hai, hai… bai bai, Kyon-kun!"

Okay. Nagato seems to have won this round. But…

Whoever wins, I lose.

Ugh.

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**Nagato occupies her usual chair, and a book occupies its usual place in her hands.

Her eyes, though, are focused on **me**.

Uh, do I have a book on my head or something?

"…"

Nagato… please don't stare at me…

Her head tips. She returned to staring holes into her book.

Nagato would be a really scary stalker, if she ever puts her mind to it.

Wait. That book she's reading… it's not a book.

Hana Yori Dango.

Nagato? You read shoujo manga?

"I require information regarding inter-gender relations."

I should have known. I should have been warned. I've watched enough anime and manga. (Okay, I didn't ever touch shoujo manga, ever. Which would have actually helped me in finding a way out of this mess.)

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**  
**A rather excited-looking Asakura waited at the school gate. (For no reason, the movie title Enemy At The Gates comes to mind.) "Kyon-kun!" she greets aloud, waving with her free hand, her right hand holding her bag.

Her hand stops in mid-wave. She stared. Glared.

Not at me. At Nagato. Who only now emerged from behind my back.

I can't believe Nagato actually used me as a human shield. She's as bad as Asakura.

"You," Asakura growled.

Nagato: "… I told you to go back to the apartment."

Asakura: "You never told me to go back **at once**..."

Nagato stared.

Asakura smirked.

Why am I always caught in the crossfire?

Distracted, I only realized that Nagato was close– too close– too late. She clung to my left arm like the cute girl in the anime would shyly take her crush' arm when they walked home together...

I grimaced. Ah, Nagato?

But an even greater threat approached.

Asakura ditched her displeasure for a look so cloyingly sweet that I felt like I going to get diabetes. She sashayed (I swear, that girl has the best "swing" in this school) over to my right side and pulled it into her grasp, much like Nagato was doing.

At this point, I was really glad that there was no one else at the gate. Else, Haruhi would have heard of it and killed me.

But she wasn't done yet. Asakura did Nagato one better by massaging my arm into her chest.

Or was it that she massaged her chest on my arm?

Ulp!

"Do you like it?" Asakura sultrily inquired.

I… I think I'm going to get thrown into jail… or seen by Asahina-senpai… or get killed by Haruhi…

My life is over… yet… so… **good**…

At that point, my left arm rubbed against… something…

Uh, Nagato? Competing with Asakura this way is a losing battle…

She looked up at me. She looks so small and cute when she does that. Like a puppy dog or something.

"Requesting upgrade to humanoid interface's physical attributes."

…that's not my weakness… not my weakness…

**  
****-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**  
**I don't quite know how we made it to Asakura's place without getting run over by a car or running into someone I'd rather not run into (especially someone with a camera– though for some reason, a scenario involving a mad scientist-rocker and his busty-sexy android assistant also came up. Yeah, I was really dazed), what with two girls competing with each other over who could molest me better.

I was sure of one thing: my arms were no longer virgins.

I got another shock once we reached our destination.

You guys live at the same apartment complex?

"Yes," Asakura beamed. "It's convenient that way."

Someone was suspicious of someone else, wasn't she?

"It's mutual."

Great. I don't know how the two of you managed not to kill each other up to this point.

Asakura blushed. "Well…"

**  
****-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**  
**I ignored my imouto's inquiries as to where I'd been and what I'd been doing, heading straight into my room to sprawl across my bed like the bag of potatoes Haruhi treats me as.

**  
**_"…I've never found any reason to move against Nagato until I met __**you**__…"_

**  
**That is **so** creepy.

"Kyon."

I blink. Stare. Gape. Almost scream.

Asakura in just lingerie straddled me.

What the?!

**  
****-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**To Be Continued**

**------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**  
****A/N:** Planned this chappie since the second chapter. Took forever to get a free day. Spent an hour and a half writing.

Special appearance for this fic is Itoshiki Nozomu a.k.a. Zetsubou-sensei from Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei. Mentioned Dr. West and Elsa from Demonbane.

**  
**Asakura: "Hmm…" (puts away knife) "That's **better**, Sheo. **Much **better…"

Me: "Uh, thanks, Ryoko… glad you liked it... whew… still alive…"

Nagato: (stares very hard) "…"

Me: "**Now** what?"

Nagato: (points at last line of fic) "…"

Me: "It's a **cliffhanger**! I always put cliffhangers in my chapters!"

Haruhi: "Oh, cliffhanger, now, is it? I can solve **that**!"

(Author is suddenly clutching at the crumbly lip of a tall cliff.)

Me: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"

Haruhi: "That's what you get for cutting short my appearances in your fic!" (evil lol as she glares at readers) "You! Review this fic or suffer the same fate!"

Me: "TASUKETTE!!!"


	5. Chapter 5

"Unh…"

Is this the door I was bumping into? Am I at school? How'd I get here? What day is it? Am I in an anime?

"Kyon-san?"

Nozomu-sensei's bespectacled visage fills my vision. He isn't scary, but he's somewhat creepy and really depressing.

Augh! Sensei! Don't put your face so close to mine!

"Tired?"

Y-yes, Sensei…

"Not enough sleep?"

Yes…

"Women problems?"

…

"…I understand," Nozomu-sensei mumbled. "I have the same problems."

…believe me, Sensei, my problems are way bigger than yours…

"Pink Supervisor!" calls this cute brown-haired girl at the door. "Pink Supervisor!"

…Pink Supervisor? Does she mean Nozomu-sensei?

"Kyonkun" Asakura called out sweetly as she entered the classroom.

Nozomu-sensei glances at the girl calling for him at the door, and then studies the approaching Asakura.

Is Sensei staring at Asakura's **chest**?

And then Sensei grabs the sides of his head and screams aloud:

"**I AM IN DESPAIR!!! YOUR PROBLEMS BEING BIGGER AND BETTER-LOOKING THAN MINE HAS LEFT ME IN DESPAIR!!!"**

… anou, Zetsubou-sensei?

…wait… you call me Kyon, too?

**  
****-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**  
****Not Quite What I'd Expected**

A Suzumiya Haruhi No Yuutsu Fan Fic

**  
**Now A Series Due To Popular Demand!

**  
Disclaimer**

Haruhi not mine.

**  
****-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**  
Last Night:**

_Great. I don't know how the two of you managed not to kill each other up to this point._

_Asakura blushed. "Well…__I've never found any reason to move against Nagato until I met __**you**__…"_

That is **so** creepy.

"Kyon."

I blink. Stare. Gape. Almost scream.

Asakura in just lingerie straddled me.

What the?!

"Hi, Kyon-kun."

Asakura! What are you doing here?

"What do you think?"

Stop throwing my questions back into my face! Give me a straight answer!

"Of course. Kyon. I'm here to seduce you."

…you're kidding…

"I'm not."

She was propped herself on her forearms and hands over me. Her sea blue eyes were locked on to mine. She smiled.

Her significant chest (not quite Asahina-senpai-class, but better than Nagato's and even Haruhi's– wait; why am I comparing notes?)… uh… **lolled** towards my face. Luckily for me, it's covered by… what kind of fabric is that?

"Do you like it? It's what the saleslady at Victoria's Secret call 'sinful silky scarlet."

I'd say. I feel like I'm committing a mortal sin by just looking at it.

Asakura's chest seems to lunge at my face. "So you like it?" she exclaims happily.

…no! Why are you wearing that?!

"I thought you'd like it." Her smile is dazzling. "Would you prefer if I had **nothing** on at all?"

No!

Asakura frowned prettily. "I don't understand... studies of the average human male established that he is aroused by the sight of a nude female body or a mostly-nude female's body clad in lingerie. Indeed, you are aroused–"

Her gaze travels down my body.

My face flames up. I hastily cover my manhood.

No, I'm not naked. I have perfectly decent clothes on. Asakura's the one who's almost naked. Also, to Asakura:

Denied!

"–But you do not like this?" Asakura cupped her breasts.

Don't lump me in with Taniguchi!

"Actually, that human prefers boys."

…what?

"Yes. He is gay."

What? No way! Taniguchi's always gunning for the girls!

"Self-denial."

…you're pulling my leg, aren't you?

"I haven't engaged you that far yet."

…and what do you mean by that?

"What do you think?"

"Get out of here!" I hiss. I couldn't yell; my parents and sister would come over to ask what's wrong, and I don't think they'll be very happy with me having a mostly-naked girl in my room.

"That's cold of you, Kyon-kun. I went here on my own volition to give you a very good night…"

"I didn't ask for it! I don't want you here!"

Asakura looked startled. Then she looks hurt. "You… you don't want **me**?"

Oh, great… now I feel utterly miserable for disappointing a girl who went out of her way and risked her life to seduce me…

"Uh… your… outfit… is nice," I grate out with a forced smile.

"Really?"

"Yes…"

"You're not just saying that to make me feel good, are you?"

"No…"

Asakura's face blazes with joy. "Oh, Kyon!" She makes to hug me, her chest filling my vision, ready to squish me to death.

Something smacked into her head.

"Kyaa!" Asakura exclaimed as she tumbles off me and my bed.

The object that hit her lands on my face.

A **pillow**?

"Kyon."

Nagato! Good timing!

…Nagato?

Nagato's pajamas made her look smaller than usual– because it was several sizes bigger than she was. It made her look like a kindergartener.

She was also lacking her glasses.

Wow. Nagato looks way cuter without her glasses.

Asakura emerged in pajamas as well. "So… floppy pajamas is Kyon's fetish…"

... no…

A sleeve-enveloped arm lifted. The extra length of sleeve flopped cutely at the annoyed Asakura.

"You are bothering Kyon," Nagato noted. "I cannot allow this to continue."

"So you'll just kill me?" Asakura threw back.

Nagato!

"Do not worry. I will not delete her, as she has not seriously violated the terms of our agreement. However, I will punish her using appropriate methods with regard to her current combat capability."

…and pray tell how you will do that?

Nagato lifted another pillow.

…you're going to hit Asakura with a pillow?

The nod she gives me tells me she is either serious or deranged.

Asakura snatched the pillow I was cradling. "I won't lose to you!" she declared.

She hopped onto my bed. So did Nagato. The two of them then began whaling at each other with their makeshift weapons. With me on my back and right between and beneath them.

I think I've seen this scene before on TV…

Feathers showered my whole room.

Hey! I have to restuff those pillows, you know!

Asakura and Nagato ignored me, instead grappling on their feet like wrestlers, their soft pajama-clad bodies crushing together, grunting in pain as they endured headlocks and bear hugs…

Wait! Why the hell am I **commentating**? What the hell is this???

"Unf…"

"Mhmph…"

"Aunh… ahn…"

Please don't make noises like that– Ow! Watch where you're stepping!

"Ah!"

Someone– not sure who– lost her footing. Asakura and Nagato fell on me.

Augh! Watch it!

And they were still wrestling over me. Literally; I was now the wrestling mat upon which Asakura and Nagato were rubbing themselves over over.

Oh, God, I'm going to die either by getting squished or by arousal…

"Wait! You two! Stop it! Ack!"

And we all fell off my bed.

**THUD**

Ow…

I stared at the ceiling.

I glance around me.

No Asakura. No Nagato. Just me on the floor of my room.

It was just a dream.

Augh! Freud would have a field day with that dream!

**  
****------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**  
This Morning In Class:**

"KYON!"

Wearily, I looked over to deal with the Tyrant Goddess.

For once, and to my tired surprise, Haruhi looked honestly taken aback. "K-Kyon? What happened to you?"

A lot… what do you want now…

"Uh…" Haruhi looked away. "Nothing…"

Then why did you even bother me?

"Because–!"

And Haruhi hesitated.

Huh?

"Never mind," she grumbled, looking away again.

Puzzled but grateful for the moment of peace I am granted, I slump my head on my desk and let my brain return into semi-coma.

"An old term for 'making love'," Nozomu-sensei despairingly droned at the front of the classroom (part of my brain wonders if I'm really seeing some Japanese girl in a traditional yukata standing behind him; nah, I must be still wasted), "Is 'pillowing'…"

…

No.

**  
****------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**  
**But not all was dark and despair.

Earlier, I found yet another letter inside my shoe locker.

**  
**_I will be waiting for you in the club room during lunch break._

_Mikuru-chan_

**  
**I'm there.

**  
****-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**To Be Continued…**

**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**  
A/N:** In the last Author Notes, the Author was experiencing a personal cliffhanger– literally. Due to the kindness of MP5, Lone Wolf and Azu Luna, he has survived. (His attempts to gain the doujin he desired have so far failed, though, despite the help of RexRox and shinseieikyu. The doujins he **did** get were delectable…)

However–

**  
**Haruhi: "Damn it, Sheo! You **still** aren't giving me proper coverage! And I'm **losing** Kyon to Yuki and Asakura!" (face darkens) "Do you want **another** cliffhanger?"

Me: "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" (kowtows desperately) "I'll make it up in later chapters!"

Haruhi: "No… I want Kyon **now**… comply, or I will spell out to you the **true** meaning of 'despair'!"

Nozomu: "Augh! God is angry! God being angry has left me in despair!" (runs off to hang himself)

(Meanwhile…)

Mikuru: "Anou… I thought Sheo doesn't like me very much…"

Asakura: "He **doesn't**. He only brought you in here because Lone Wolf and Azu Luna asked about you. Annoying competition…" (generates knife) "Nagato? Can you make an exception over the 'No killing humans' rule just this once?"

Nagato: "…"

Asakura: "Do you really want **her** getting Kyon?"

Nagato: "… exception granted… providing assistance…"

Mikuru: "Reh? Kyaah! Dame!" (runs away with Asakura and Nagato chasing her)


	6. Chapter 6

_I will be waiting for you in the club room during lunch break._

_Mikuru-chan_

**  
**I'm there.

**  
****Not Quite What I'd Expected**

A Suzumiya Haruhi No Yuutsu Fan Fic

**  
**Now A Series Due To Popular Demand!

**  
****Disclaimer**

I do not own Haruhi; Haruhi owns you.

I similarly do not own Zetsubou-sensei; it drives me to despair…

**  
Chapter Six**

**  
**"And just where are you going?"

The cute roadblock in my way reminds me of long-haired Haruhi, only her hair is black and split perfectly down the middle over a garage door-wide forehead. Her ID names her as 'Precisely'. Err, I mean Kitsu Chiri.

"Well?" Chiri demands.

I grimace. She's just as pushy as Haruhi, too.

"You're going to meet a girl, aren't you?" she accuses.

None of your business.

"I cannot allow that."

Excuse me?

"I cannot allow that. You will probably act improperly. I cannot stand that. Everyone must act properly!"

Oh, great. She's just as wacky as Haruhi, too. I start to inch away before she thinks to kidnap me-

"Oh, no, you don't!"

Urgh!

Necktie grab… can't… escape… illegal move…

I'm dragged into the guys' bathroom.

"I forgot, I forgot- eh?"

Taniguchi gapes at me, then at my female captor. He's still zipping up his pants.

"Kyon?"

"Get out," Kitsu snaps.

Taniguchi bolts.

"Wash your hands first!"

He's gone.

"Mattaku… now I will fix you," Kitsu tells me.

Why, God, why are the women in my life so scary?

**  
**I stare at the reflection the mirror insists is me.

My hair has been tamed by a comb and gel into domesticated properness. My polo uniform is creaseless, spotless and fully buttoned. My tie can serve as a tsukkomi; it's so straight. Listerine Ice wafts from my gaping mouth, which Kitsu shoves close, to mist the glass.

"There," Kitsu sighs, "Perfect."

Is this really me? I mean, I look like a model student…

"Of course it is you. That is what you look like when you are proper."

Wow… should I put on Axe to complete the effect?

"No. Axe will trigger improper reactions. We cannot have that." Kitsu plunks a memo pad in my hands. "Here is a list of the proper steps and actions to take when meeting with a girl."

_Step One: Arrive early._

_Step Two: Be polite…_

This reads like a script written by an overprotective dad.

"Follow it to the letter so that the two of you will enjoy yourselves properly. Have I made myself clear to you?" Kitsu demands.

Way too clearly.

"Speak properly! That is a sentence fragment!"

Really?

"Yes! Your previous twp replies are underlined by the green zigzag lines that Microsoft Word uses to mark sentence fragments that need revising!"

You misspelled 'two' as 'twp'.

"Shimatta!"

**  
**Escaping from my unexpected fashion adviser (Kitsu ran off muttering something about correcting the spelling and grammar of an author named Sheo Darren, whoever and whatever that is), I knock upon the door of the SOS-Dan clubroom.

"Come in~"

It was Asahina-senpai's voice. There was no doubt about it. Asahina-senpai, I'm coming in!

Sadako looks up at me.

I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead.

And I didn't even watch any of those stupid movies!

"Please close the door," she asks softly.

SLAM!!!

Who was that? Obviously it's not Sadako. Else I'd already be dead.

Is she a new club member that Haruhi kidnapped while I wasn't looking? Haruhi… it always comes back to you…

But I could have sworn I heard Asahina-senpai's voice from inside. The leprechaun girl didn't sound like senpai.

I open the door again a crack.

'Sadako' looks to be around the size and apparent age of Nagato. Her long black hair covers much of her head like a wet mop would, hence my initial impression of the infamous water ghost. The eye peeking out of a cute gap in her hairdo is normal-looking, though.

"Please close the door," she murmurs in a ghostlike tone.

Ah, excuse me, but this is the SOS-dan Club Room. I need to meet someone here.

The mop head bobs affirmation. "… Please use the other door, then…"

Ah. Thank you.

Yeah, an obsessive fashion policewoman patrolling the corridors and a zasshiki warashi camping in the clubroom are just about par for my daily dose of weirdness.

**  
**"Kyon-kun…"

Who is this beaming secretary-type bishoujo before me?

She isn't Asahina-senpai, but the resemblance is there, as she looks like a taller and fuller and bustier Asahina-senpai.

Her doe-brown eyes are suddenly saucer-wide. She stares at my face as if beholding me for the first time.

Do I have a smudge on my cheek or something? I'm sure Kitsu wouldn't have let me off if I was the least bit disheveled.

Not-Quite-Asahina-senpai takes my hands in hers. "Kyon-kun," she murmurs admiringly, "You're…"

Y-yes?

"You're so **handsome**~"

Eh?

She releases my hands to take my face by my cheeks. Before I can react she pulls me into her chest.

Urk!

Can't… breathe… sight… dimming… marshmallow hell…

"Ah!"

I backpedal. So does my attacker. She looks just as confused as I am. She also looks… disappointed?

Good grief, not another one…

"W-we can't!" she stammered. "We shouldn't!"

What was that all about? Why do women keep throwing themselves at me? First Haruhi, then Asakura _and_ Nagato, and now Sort-Of-Like-Asahina-senpai? I feel like I'm in a fantasy RPG where every step I take triggers a random encounter.

Who are you, anyway?

"I am Asahina Mikuru. Only I come from an even further timeline… I've always wanted to meet you."

Supersize me.

**  
**I came out of that encounter sort of wiser. Snow White? "Please don't get too close to me?"

Why? Are we related or something? Is she my sister?

I'm sure of one thing: That really was Asahina-senpai. From the future.

I should ask her about that birthmark of hers one of these days, just to be sure…

**  
**Nagato appeared soon enough. "I have seen Asahina Mikuru's differential temporal clone this morning already…"

It was pointless to try forcing a conversation with such a wooden character. But I have the SOS-Dan's new member/mascot the zasshiki warashi girl (I'm sorry, I don't know her name; she wasn't wearing an ID, only a blanket) to consider. Who is our new doorkeeper, anyway, Nagato?

"That is a concept that cannot be conveyed in speech, so you wouldn't understand even if I explained it."

I'll settle for the zasshiki warashi explanation.

**  
**I'm starting to get used to meeting with Asakura at the gate. I'm even getting used to her breasts. What I can't get used to is the stunts she pulls on me.

"What do you think, Kyon-kun?"

Oh, my Megami-sama.

Asakura is wearing eyeglasses.

And they look **good** on her.

"Honto? Arigato!"

The attachment clamped upon my right arm makes me wince. Nagato's eyeglasses diffuse the full force of her stare. She still manages to raise goose bumps on the back of my neck. I don't think I want her to take those glasses off, ever, even if she probably will look cuter without them.

"… Understood… implementing changes to humanoid interface's physical attributes…"

So saying, Nagato takes her glasses off.

This can't get any worse.

**  
**"KYON! WHAT'S THIS?! WHY ARE YOU WITH ASAKURA AND YUKI? EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"

I just had to tempt fate.

**  
**"(Hello?)"

It's me, sis.

"(Oh! Hi, Kyon! What is it?)"

Can you tell Mom and Dad that I'm going to come home late? I've been invited to dinner by my classmates.

"(Okay! Are they girls?)"

Yes.

"(So it's a date?)"

No. There're four of us.

"(So it's a group date?)"

Where are you getting all of these ideas?

"(That's classified information.)"

**  
**Yeah. It got worse.

**  
**

* * *

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

**  
A/N:** What kind of new peril does the Author face now?

**  
**Chiri: (armed with a blood-soaked shovel) "Oh, She~o~… Where a~re you~?"

Me: (hiding inside a cardboard box right beside Chiri) "Shh. Be vewy vewy quiet."

Chiri: "**!**"

(screen fades to black)

Mikuru: "Sheo? Sheo? She~o~!"

Blazblue Announcer: **"PERFECT"**

Kenshiro: "You're already dead!"

Haruhi: "Hey! I had first dibs on him!" (shakes fist at Chiri)

Ryoko: (fiddling with her Kabar knife) "Kitsu-san, you should have lined up behind us…"

Sekai: "Yes, we saw him first… get it? Saw?" (holds up a saw)

Kotonoha: "Tee hee hee…" (sharpening knives with a whetstone she borrowed from Ryoko)

Nagato: "… Clear…" (rubs defibrillator pads together)

Me: "Hidoi~" T_T


	7. 7: The Best Harem Ever GROWS

_This can't get any worse._

_**  
** "KYON! WHAT'S THIS?! WHY ARE YOU WITH ASAKURA AND YUKI? EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"_

_**  
** "(That's classified information.)"_

_**  
**Yeah. It got worse._

**  
****

* * *

Not Quite What I'd Expected**

A Suzumiya Haruhi No Yuutsu Fan Fic

**  
**Now A Series Due To Popular Demand!

**  
****Disclaimer**

Haruhi not mine.

**  
****Rant**

Endless Eight? What's that? Second Season? What are you talking about? Haruhi has no second season. You lie.

* * *

**  
Chapter Seven**

**  
**I'd be lying if I said I've never wanted to walk shoulder to shoulder with a girl after school just like in those idol dramas. I should be **happier** since I am walking with **three** girls. But even though this dream has now become a reality, I'm far from happy.

"Did you just say something, Kyon?"

Nope, nothing at all, Haruhi.

**  
** "KYON! WHAT'S THIS?! WHY ARE YOU WITH ASAKURA AND YUKI? EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"

Just minutes earlier, Haruhi had caught me literally red-armed, what with Asakura and Nagato acting as my human shirtsleeves.

Oddly enough, she didn't sound too angry. Rather she sounded like those childhood girlfriends who pout in an attempt to hide their embarrassment at finding their love interest surrounded by the rest of his harem.

I can't believe I just likened myself to the protagonist of a dating sim game. Who am I, Tsuchimi Rin?

"Nagato-san and I are treating Kyon to dinner," Asakura sings.

My stomach embarrasses me by assenting loudly. Between Kitsu-san kidnapping me for an impromptu Queer Eye For The Straight Guy makeover session, the zasshiki warashi (a good luck house spirit for those of you not studying Japanese) blockade of the SOS-Dan clubroom and being bedazzled by Asahina-senpai-Big, I haven't had the time to grab a bite. I'm starving fit to eat a whole Kobe cow. Raw.

"What for?" Haruhi demands.

"Kyon-kun helped me out several days ago. I'm indebted to him."

I've forgotten about that. I did save Asakura from Nagato. That was around the time my life began transforming into a romantic comedy orchestrated by a sappy college fan fiction writer.

"Why is Yuki going with you?" Haruhi hurls the grenade of a question at **me**, not Nagato.

"Kyon helped me, too," Nagato confirmed.

Can't you call me by my real name?

Haruhi glowers at me. Hey, why are you glaring at me only?

"It's because I need to rein in my subordinates when they go too far! You're a member of the SOS Brigade!"

Nagato is a member, too, you know.

"Are you talking back to me?!"

Why are you so upset? It's only dinner.

"Because!"

That sounds familiar for some reason.

**  
**_ "KYON!"_

_Wearily, I looked over to deal with the Tyrant Goddess._

_For once, and to my tired surprise, Haruhi looked honestly taken aback. "K-Kyon? What happened to you?"_

_A lot… what do you want now…_

"_Uh…" Haruhi looked away. "Nothing…"_

_Then why did you even bother me?_

"_Because–!"_

**  
**Haruhi finally realizes I'm staring at her. Her pale face actually colors up as she turns her back on me to glare at the blameless sky.

Wow, she can be cute, too… though she'd probably kill me if she heard me say it aloud…

I glance at my self-appointed costume props. Nagato is her usual unreadable self, only much tinier and hence cuter because she no longer has her glasses. On the other arm, Asakura can now hide behind the rather dramatic lens flare cast by the setting sun on **her** eyeglasses.

"I'm going." With a final grumble, Haruhi stomped off, probably to head home. Her back is silently telling me "Don't follow me!"

Haruhi…

Haruhi!

I'm surprised she actually stopped to look over her shoulder at me. "What?" she growls.

Want to come with us?

The look of surprise on her face is priceless. Yeah, she can be real cute if she puts herself to it.

"Only if I get to pick where we eat!"

**  
**I must admit something. I've never gone on a date before. You see, I have never had a single girlfriend in my life. The only person I have ever crushed on is Asahina-senpai. And she's not with me right now. Not to mention who I suspect her to be…

Instead I have three other girls to manage. It's what you might call an unwanted harem.

One is the infamous Tyrant Goddess from East Junior High. Another is a quiet bookworm of an alien supercomputer. The last is the second girl's sexy subordinate Starscream, also an alien supercomputer.

I can already hear my wallet weeping. I know from experience that Haruhi spends money as if it grew on trees. At least I can expect Nagato to be simple in her tastes for food. But then there's Asakura to worry about, too…

"You don't need to worry, Kyon-kun. I'm going to pay for everything."

I know that, Asakura. That's why I'm worrying.

But I have to give this to Haruhi. When she picks meeting places, you can expect them to be good.

"I've never been to an Anna Miller's before," Asakura comments as we enter the establishment.

How did you find this place, Haruhi?

"I get around."

Haruhi sounds like her usual domineering self again. Personally I'm glad. While she might look cuter when flustered, I don't live on Schadenfreude.

We get a table for four. Asakura and Nagato sit together. I literally get boxed into a corner.

"Move it, Kyon! You're taking up too much space!"

You don't have to push…

We order. I play safe by going for a burger and fries. Haruhi suggests we all get pies as dessert. "The pies here are good!" she vouches.

I've got other things in mind. My sister used the same line as Asahina-senpai.

Is it mere coincidence? Or could it be…

Yuck. Now I know what Luke and Leia felt.

Wait! I can't just give up like that! What kind of a man would I be?

And just to be clear, I'm not a siscon. I just want my meido-Asahina-senpai-Small to make me tea.

Anyway, I don't remember my sister having a star-shaped birthmark on her chest. If she doesn't have one, then she's **not** Asahina-senpai.

So how do I find out? I can't exactly undress my sister without her permission. That would make me a pervert worse than Taniguchi.

Hmm, how about I get her to bathe with me? She used to always want me to be the one who washes her back. That was back when she still called me–

**  
**_ "Onii-chan~! Onii-chan~! I love you, onii-chan!"_

**  
**Ah, those times… such happy times…

"Aha! Chance!"

And Haruhi swiped at my plate.

Gah! That's my pie you're eating!

"It's punishment. You had a funny look on your face just now. You were probably thinking something perverted." Haruhi grinned. "Consider this Divine Providence."

No divine being would subscribe to your concept of right and wrong. Besides, don't you have a pie of your own?

"I already ate it."

Oh, is that so? You had two slices of pie plus all that junk food to boot? You know, eating all those sweets will make you plumper.

"W-what did you say?" Haruhi's face flares like a star going nova. "That's slander! Kyon, you jerk!"

I was just kidding! Please put that knife away!

"You can have my pie, Kyon-kun," Asakura offers as she slides her plate towards me.

Thanks but no, you don't need to– Hey, you haven't taken a bite out of yours yet.

"I'm watching my weight."

That is totally unnecessary.

"Are you complimenting my figure?" She beams. "Thank you very much!"

You're welcome. I think.

Guilt-tripped into accepting Asakura's offering, I catch something moving towards me out of the corner of my eye. Is Haruhi about to stab me while I'm not looking?

No, it's… a half-eaten slice of pie on a fork proffered by… Nagato?

"…"

Uh? Thanks?

"You are welcome."

The chunk of pie continues to hover in mid-air, inviting me to take a bite out of it.

Ah, Nagato? You can put your pie on Asakura's plate, you know.

"Please proceed," she invites deadpan.

There's no need to spoonfeed me. I take the fork holding up Nagato's pie and scrape the foodstuff onto the plate I got from Asakura.

"Miss Waitress!" Haruhi suddenly calls out. "I'd like another pie!"

Haruhi, can you please think of Asakura's wallet when you order?

"Shut up…"

"It's all right," Asakura reassures us. "This is my first time to eat with Suzumiya-san. I'm glad she's enjoying herself. Please feel free to order some more," she tells Haruhi.

You're too kind, Asakura. You'll spoil her. And Haruhi, you really will get plumper if you eat so much.

"Shut up!"

Surrounded by dangerous people, I have no recourse but to dig into Asakura's pie first. "How was it?" Asakura asks.

It's quite good…

"I'm glad you liked my pie!"

Somehow that sounds so wrong.

Brrr! I get it, Nagato. I'm going to eat your pie, too. You can stop shooting that liquid nitrogen glare at me…

"Good?"

Y-yes…

"Good."

That sounds like a hanging judge's sentence. And Asakura? What's with the sinister lens flare again?

"Ara? What are you talking about, Kyon-kun?"

I am definitely surrounded by dangerous people. And the most dangerous one of them all is just now politely thanking the waitress for finally delivering her order.

"Oh, so I'm dangerous now, eh?" Haruhi demands.

Always.

"Humph!"

My (or rather Asakura's) empty plate is shoved aside by a new plate topped with a freshly-baked pie.

Huh? Haruhi?

"There. Are you happy now?"

You ordered a new pie just to give it to me?

"Isn't it obvious? Are you blind or something?" She huffed. "You should be thankful I'm treating you."

What do you mean, it's your treat? Asakura's paying for it.

"You're such a quibbler, Kyon. If you always act like that, you're never find happiness."

That's my line! Why are you suddenly displaying common sense now?

"Are you going to eat my pie or not?"

Mutter mutter munch.

Haruhi toasts herself with what remains of my soda.

I have fallen in with master blackmailers. Woe is me.

**  
**Our final bill is absurd. Between the sight of that (and note that I'm not paying for it, even!) and a combination of heartburn and roller coaster sugar rush, I'm a dead man.

"Are you all right, Kyon-kun?" Asakura asks me.

… No… I ate too much…

"I apologize for making you eat so much. Please let me make this up to you."

I'm starting to really distrust your attempts at making amends.

Asakura smiles at me.

**  
**"(Hello?)"

Hey, sis. It's me.

"(Kyon! How was your date?)"

It's none of your business.

"(Are you heading home now?)"

Not yet. I ate too much. I'm going to wait at my classmate's apartment until I feel better.

"(Eh? So it's a sleepover, too?)"

Absolutely not. Could you tell Dad and Mom that I'm all right?

"(Okay! I will!)"

Thanks. Oh, by the way, sis…

"(Yes?)"

… Ah, it's nothing. Never mind. I asked nothing.

"(You're acting weird, Kyon. Did you drink?)"

No, I didn't. See you later.

"(Bai bai!)"

**  
**The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

**  
****-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**To Be Continued…**

**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**  
A/N:** You think the **girls** are scary? The **boys**… are harmless.

**  
**Kyon: "Sheo… even **you** won't call me by my real name?"

Motusawa Hideki (Chobits): "Chii! Where are you?"

Tsuchimi Rin (Shuffle!): "This is ridiculous."

Gintoki Sakata (Gintama): "… whatever…"

Kivat (Kamen Rider Kiva): "I'm a bat-chuu!" *pauses* "Wait… that's from Rosario + Vampire…" *wing-palms*

Aizawa Yuuichi (Kanon 2006 version a.k.a. Kyonichi): "... What's this?"

Aizawa Yuuichi (Kanon 2001 version): "Sheo's making seiyuu jokes at our expense."

Jeremiah Gottwald (Code Geass): "LOYALTY!!!"

Okazaki Tomoya (Clannad): "Wait! I can understand Orange appearing; he's voiced by Narita Ken, the 'brother' of Sugita Tomokazu, Kyon's VA-"

Kyon: "Even my expy calls me by that name?"

Tomoya: "-I'm not your expy. _ Anyway, I'm voiced by **Nakamura Yuichi**…"

Saotome Alto (Macross Frontier): "Our seiyuu is friends with Sugita-san. So we're fair game."

Koizumi Itsuki: "When am I appearing in your fic?"

Me: "Never."

Itsuki: T-T

**  
** (And a little Omake… because the girls are indeed scary…)

**  
**Haruhi: "**SHEO!!!** How dare you make me say 'Are you going to eat my pie or not?' That's a sexual innuendo, isn't it?"

Ryoko: "I liked my 'pie' line…"

Yuki: "... Pi is a mathematical constant whose value is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter in Euclidean space... its value is approximately equal to 3.14159 in the usual decimal notation…"

Mikuru: "A-anou… Sheo-san, someone's looking for you-"

Me: "Chance!" *flees to meet visitor* "Eep!"

Fuyou Kaede (Shuffle!): "Sheo-kun… you didn't include me in the last chapter's Omake…"

Mikuru Big: "For those of you who don't remember, it was a gathering of yandere girls! Also: We share the same VA!"

Me: "Ah…. I forgot… I'm sorry, Kaede…"

Kaede: "Maybe… you weren't planning to invite me all along?"

Me: "Eh?"

Psycho Kaede: "Is it fun to make fun of me, Sheo-kun?" *hefts cleaver* "Is it?"

Me: "TASUKETTE!!!"


	8. 8: Now With JapEng Dictionary!

"(Hello?)"

Hey, sis. It's me.

"(Kyon! How was your date?)"

It's none of your business.

"(Are you heading home now?)"

Not yet. I ate too much. I'm going to wait at my classmate's apartment until I feel better.

"(Eh? So it's a sleepover, too?)"

Absolutely not. Could you tell Dad and Mom that I'm all right?

"(Okay! I will!)"

Thanks. Oh, by the way, sis…

"(Yes?)"

… Ah, it's nothing. Never mind. I asked nothing.

"(You're acting weird, Kyon. Did you drink?)"

No, I didn't. See you later.

"(Bai bai!)"

**  
**I guess I can't really ask my sister over the phone if she has a star-shaped birthmark on her chest.

**  
****Not Quite What I'd Expected**

A Suzumiya Haruhi No Yuutsu Fan Fic

**  
**Now A Series Due To Popular Demand!

**  
****Disclaimer**

Haruhi is not mine.

**  
****Protestation**

I have broken away from the Church of Nagato. Asakura Ryoko is the true digital goddess. Yandere rock my world. Literally. Love hurts. X3

**  
Chapter Eight**

**  
**"Why would you ask that?"

Gah! Asakura! You were listening in on me?

She smiles in that demure way she favors. "I couldn't help but overhear you…"

Don't you have any sense of privacy? You're just as bad as Haruhi! And Koizumi, too, now that I think of it! Your face is too close to mine!

"I apologize." She backs away a little. "May I ask you something?"

As long as it's not about my three sizes.

"You're funny, Kyon-kun. It's one of the things I like about you."

Thanks. I think. So what is it you want to ask?

"Did you enjoy your kiss with Suzumiya-san?"

My jaw almost hits the carpeted floor.

What are you talking about? I never kissed Haruhi. Sure, she looks like a good kisser. But she'd never let me kiss her, for one. And I'm not interested in her that way. I'll only kiss her if… maybe if the fate of the world and humankind is at stake. And even then I'll quibble.

"But you **did** kiss her."

And when, pray tell, did this momentous event happen?

Asakura's fey lips curve upwards. I remember all too well how they felt and tasted upon mine. Yes, I think I would remember if I kissed someone, whether intentionally, accidentally like in a harem anime or against my will like with you.

"It was an indirect kiss," she said. "Suzumiya-san drank from your glass."

What? When did she do that?

"After she persuaded you to eat the pie she bought for you."

I don't remember that– wait a minute… my life is suddenly flashing before my eyes… and I don't even have a Kabar knife buried in my stomach to account for it!

**  
**_Haruhi toasts herself with what remains of my soda._

**  
**Asakura is right. Haruhi did kiss me indirectly.

"And before that, you enjoyed Nagato's lips, too."

Now you're imagining things. Nagato and I didn't share any drinks.

"But you shared her **pie**."

Huh? Not again…

**  
**_No, it's… a __**half-eaten**__ slice of pie on a fork proffered by… Nagato?_

**  
**Bold font mine.

I glower at Asakura. Why are you so perceptive with useless things?

"That's because I'm jealous of them."

You? Jealous. You have no reason to be jealous. You're way ahead of them in terms of stealing bases off me. Didn't you steal my first kiss?

"But I exchanged mine for yours fairly."

You call ambushing me in a room you magically cut off from the rest of the world fair? I was expecting Asahina-senpai!

"It was the only way we could be alone together."

I would have come if you asked me yourself. Instead you got me all fired up about Asahina-senpai! And then you took advantage of me!

Those lush eyebrows elevate a few centimeters. "So if I had assumed the form of Asahina Mikuru, you would have happily made out with me?"

No! Just making yourself look like Asahina-senpai doesn't make you Asahina-senpai! For one thing, you don't act the least like her! I'd have immediately noticed the difference in your personalities. And-

Wait. You can make yourself look like Asahina-senpai?

"Yes. Humanoid interfaces can change physical appearances at will. Well," Asakura corrected, "Nagato still can. As I am now, I cannot even change the color of my hair." And she caressed said mane to underline her point.

So why didn't you?

Her smile turned sublime.

"I don't want you to like Asahina Mikuru. I want you to like **me**."

**  
Earlier:**

I had known from an earlier chapter in my life story that Asakura and Nagato live in the same apartment complex. The concierge behind the glass panel proved this by recognizing them on sight.

"Ah! Ojou-chan! And Honya-chan, too!"

And he apparently has a weird taste for nicknames. But his monikers do fit them. Asakura does have the air of a rich heiress, and apparently Nagato's idea of heaven is an infinite library all to herself.

"I didn't know you knew each other," the concierge rambles.

More like networked together, like master and slave hard drives. Oh, that's a good metaphor.

"And you brought friends, too!"

"They are my classmates." Asakura introduces Haruhi and me in that order.

"My name is Suzumiya Haruhi. I'm pleased to make your acquaintance, Sir."

The Tyrant Goddess… sounded like the politest person in the world.

Okay, who are you and what have you done to the real Suzumiya Haruhi?

"What are you talking about, Kyon? Close your mouth. It's not polite to gape."

Right, pull the other one…

The concierge appraises me as if I am a yellow submarine for sale. "So you're Kyon…"

Not you, too… even complete strangers call me by that stupid nickname?

"Ojou-chan talks a lot about you."

By that I'm guessing Asakura got you to call me Kyon.

"She has a very high opinion of you."

Please spare me the details.

"No need to be humble. You're a very lucky young man."

Lucky? Me?

His eyes flicker towards the terrible trio waiting for me at the automated sliding doors. Now he whispered conspiratorially:

"Any one of them is a good choice. And if you play your cards right, you can even get **all** of them."

How unfortunate.

**  
**Asakura's 'mansion', Room 505, was the exact opposite of Nagato's nearby suite. The apartment is richly yet tastefully furnished. No wonder the concierge calls Asakura "ojou-chan". She's really a rich girl, or at least her cover identity is.

"Please be comfortable," our hostess invites us as she closes the door.

You say that, but I'm afraid I'll break something invaluable not five steps into this palace.

My fellow guests do not share my fears. Nagato finds a book and a comfy spot. Haruhi gladly wallows in the lap of luxury. (Have some shame, Haruhi!)

"You live by yourself, Asakura?" Haruhi asks while lounging in a plush sofa.

"I do, Suzumiya-san. My parents work in Canada. I'm an only child."

"Me, too."

I'm not surprised, Haruhi. Your parents must have their hands full with raising you.

"What's that supposed to mean, Kyon?"

What do you think?

"It's probably his heartburn talking," Asakura intervenes.

You're right. I feel like my insides are on fire.

"I'll go get your medicine now, Kyon-kun."

Thanks. I think I'll call my parents while waiting.

"You can use my phone. It's in the hallway."

**  
Now:**

"I don't want you to like Asahina Mikuru. I want you to like **me**."

Déjà vu hits me like the lightning spears favored by the bewitching beauty before me.

You lied about having heartburn medicine.

"I'm a humanoid interface," Asakura admitted. "I can't get heartburn."

I should have known. You didn't have a heart in the first place.

My comment cuts into her like one of her spears. She avoids my gaze out of… shame?

"Yes," she softly agrees. "You're right. I'm heartless, aren't I? I'm not human after all…"

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way…

"I know. It's my fault. I apologize."

Now I feel like I'm the bad guy…

"How can I make it up to you?" she asked me.

I give it some thought. Maybe you **can** help me. You know my sister, right?

Asakura shook her pretty head. "I'm sorry, Kyon-kun. Since Nagato restricted my powers, I can only acquire new information by using inefficient and time-consuming human methods." She smiles sadly. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to meet your sister in person to get to know her."

Never mind, then. I'll be hard pressed to explain who you are to my sister. And she's bound to misunderstand our relationship.

"I'd like to learn for myself what her opinion would be."

It'll be very inconvenient and embarrassing, I assure you. I guess I can't ask Nagato, either. She'd probably bore me to sleep without revealing one bit. So much for the easy way of finding out if my sister is Asahina-senpai. It looks like I'm going to have to work for it.

"I wish I could have helped you," Asakura tells me. "I truly do."

I know. I'm surprised myself, but I believe you. And it's nothing.

"So what would you like me to do for you instead? Would you like me to wake you up every morning-"

Thanks but no thanks. My sister already acts as my alarm clock.

"-wearing only an apron?"

Will you stop that?

But the word 'apron' echoed inside my head. No, I'm not imagining Asakura in an apron, with or without any other clothing. Though now that I think of it, Asahina-senpai **does** wear an apron- or is it called a bib?- on her maid uniform…

Ah! How about you make me bento instead? I'm bored of the stuff at the convenience stores and the cafeteria.

Asakura brightens. "I can do that. Is there any food you especially like?"

Anything delicious will do. Go ahead and surprise me.

"I will! Wait for it."

**  
**I battle heartburn and realization as I head back to the living room with a chipper Asakura.

I was too hasty. I should have gotten her to call me by my real name instead!

**  
**"Stupid Kyon! You took so long! Now look!"

Haruhi jerked me by my necktie towards the nearest water-splattered window.

It's raining.

**  
**It was a dark and stormy night.

* * *

**To Be Continued…**

* * *

**  
A/N:** And now for the promised glossary of Japanese terms at the end of the fic! Arranged by order of appearance!

**  
Yandere** – A person who is initially very loving and gentle, then at one point becomes deranged or psychotic, often brutally so. It is a portmanteau (combination word) of "Yanderu" (to be sick) and "deredere" (lovestruck). Examples are Asakura Ryoko, the two lead girls of School Days and a significant number of other girls that Sheo Darren likes.

**Senpai** – Mentor or Senior. Its opposite is Kohai, "Junior".

**Ojou-chan** – Young Lady. Usually used for rich girls. Ryoko is called this by the concierge.

**Honya **– Bookstore. A nickname for bookworms like Miyazaki Nodoka of Negima. Nagato is called this by the concierge.

**Gal Game** – A video game genre targeted towards a male audience, centered on interacting with cute girls. Dating games and H-games are subgenres of this.

**Bento** – Boxed takeout or home-packed meal. Japanese girls get up early in the morning (5 A.M. is a popular time, is it not, Fujibayashi Kyou? ^_^) make these for the boys they like.

**  
**Me: "Now you know. And knowing is half the battle. The other half? Violence!"

**  
***And Sheo promptly takes a Suzumiya Haruhi Missile Drop Kick to the head*

**  
**Me: "Uguu!"

Haruhi: "That's for sidelining me yet again, Sheo! I told you I will punish you!"

Person With Many Aliases: *holds up a scorecard* "Pah-fect! Eleven out of ten! Fight! For Great Justice!"

Jeremy Colt: *pops a bottle of aspirin* "Idiots…"

Chloe: *curious* "I thought it was supposed to be a yandere who assaults Sheo during his Author's Note?"

Colt: "Haruhi's dangerous enough to count as one."

Haruhi: *scowls* "Look who's talking!"

Me: *remembers something* "Am I forgetting something?"

**  
***outside Kyon's house, Koizumi is soaked by the sudden storm at the end of this chapter while the "Here in the rain~" ending line of the refrain of the Madlax OP _Hitomi No Kakera_ plays over and over again in the background*

Koizumi: "I've been forgotten…" T-T

Kamijyo Touma: "Fukou da." :(

**  
**Me: "No, not that… Oh, Touma said 'How unfortunate' in Japanese, by the way. Oh, right! Spot the quote from To Aru Majutsu No Index! And the homage to Kanon!"

Haruhi: "Urusai!" *grinds Sheo's head into the pavement with her foot*

Me: "That means 'Shut up!' in Japanese!"

Haruhi: "Are you some kind of masochist? Hentai!"

Me: "That means 'Pervert'!"


	9. 9: You Are Doomed Kyon Doomed

It was a dark and stormy night.

I apologize. It's a very bad way to start a story by describing the weather.

* * *

**  
****Not Quite What I'd Expected**

A Suzumiya Haruhi No Yuutsu Fan Fic

**  
**Now A Series Due To Popular Demand!

**  
****Disclaimer**

Haruhi is not mine. So is everything else I will cite lol

**  
****Rant**

Repeat after me: TV Tropes is will waste my time. TV Tropes is will waste my time. TV Tropes is will waste my time. Okay. *clicks link to TV Tropes*

**  
****Chapter Nine**

**You're Doomed, Kyon, Doomed****  
**

* * *

It's raining.

Hard.

It's the wrong time in the year for rain.

And I don't have an umbrella. I don't even have a jacket.

Worst of all, I am stranded in an apartment with three of the most dangerous women in the world.

How unfortunate.

Asakura? You don't have your powers anymore, right?

"Yes. I'm more or less human now. I suspect this is the handiwork of Suzumiya-san-"

Yeah, that's right, blame Haruhi…

"-or Nagato."

What? Why would Nagato do this?

"Indeed. Why, I wonder?" Asakura pressed a finger to her lovely lips. "I don't know…"

Great. So I can't trust Nagato as well. So what now?

She smiles. "I may not have engineered this scenario, but I see nothing wrong in taking advantage of it."

You are a schemer. You know that?

"All women scheme, Kyon-kun. The ends justify the means."

Don't summarize things so neatly!

**  
**Haruhi and I call home. My folks are fine with the idea of my sleeping over at a classmate's house. My little sister, predictably, wants to sleep over as well. Heh. That's never going to happen.

Haruhi's parents are a harder sell. "My dad wants to fetch me and bring me home," Haruhi grumbles as she passes the phone to Asakura.

He's probably just worried about you. Though I don't see why he thinks you're in danger. This is probably one of the safest places in Tokyo aside from maybe Tokyo Tower. So why exactly was your dad worried?

"He thinks I'm staying at a boy's house." Haruhi gestured to our blue-haired host. "Asakura is talking sense into him right now."

Your dad is the overprotective sort, huh?

"Tell me about it. He thinks I'll get taken or something."

You do know you **will** be sleeping with a boy, namely, me.

"Why do you think-"

And Haruhi suddenly turns red.

Hmm? Exactly what do you think?

"Shut up!" She snatches up the nearest throw pillow. "You're so stupid, Kyon!"

I barely duck the fluffy missile in time. What is it with Haruhi? Is she tsundara? No, wait, was it tsunjiri? I forget. It was popular a while back…

"Yuki! Get him!"

I whirl around. Nagato is poised to thwack me with the pillow she got from Haruhi.

Plop. Plop. Plop.

Her swats wouldn't have hurt a fly.

Ah… Nagato? That was weak, even for you…

"It was?" she asks with all seriousness.

It was.

"Aha! Chance!"

I get a face full of pillow. "Direct hit!" crows Haruhi.

I chuckle grimly as I pick up the offending pillow. (I ignore Nagato, who is still hitting me ineffectually.) That is a declaration of war, Haruhi. Not even your status as Brigade Chief will stay my hand now.

"That's only if you can hit me!"

Oh, you're really asking for it!

"My, my," Asakura begins.

Take this!

Haruhi dodges my perfect power pitch–

Gack!

–which meant that the person I hit was Asakura, who happened to be standing right behind Haruhi.

Ah! Asakura! I'm sorry! Are you all right?

"That looks fun, Kyon-kun," Asakura finishes with a broad smile as she picks up my pillow. "Can I join?"

Uh, oh.

"Get him!" Haruhi calls out as she 'reloads'.

Pillows assail me from three different directions.

I surrender! I surrender!

"No mercy for the weak!"

**  
**Following my unconditional surrender (and promise to spring for lunch or dinner of the next SOS Brigade outing), we agree to sleep early so we can wake up earlier tomorrow. That way Haruhi and I can go home to bathe and change before heading to school.

Breakfast is on Asakura. I remember our Home Economics teacher practically worshiping her. I find myself looking forward to the boxed lunch she'll make me tomorrow.

Asakura's apartment has two bedrooms. One of them is Asakura's room. The other is laid out for fictional parents, with a king-sized bed fit for two adults. That guest room goes to Haruhi and Nagato.

Me? I was banished to the sofa.

I know a lot of guys want to be the lone male in an apartment full of cute girls who want to jump your pants. I am therefore performing a public service for them. It's not anything like it's hyped up to be.

For one thing, Haruhi declares, very loudly, that the door to the room she's sharing with Nagato is "The unbreakable walls of Jericho. If you invade my side over this wall, you shall be executed. A child must not be awake this late. Go to bed!"

SLAM!

Why would I want to sneak into your room? Who do you think I am?

"You're welcome to share **my** room with me, Kyon," Asakura offers.

Good night, Asakura, I tell her as I close her door from outside her room.

**  
**I can't sleep. My nerves are on edge. The rain keeps drumming upon the windows. I could swear a moon shadow is following me.

I wonder if Asakura has milk. In her refrigerator, I mean. I need something to calm myself.

Wait! My Kyon Sense is tingling. Someone is about to call me by that annoying nickname.

"Kyon~"

Asakura peels herself out of the darkness. She is wearing an apron.

Oh, God, please don't tell me she's wearing **only** an apron…

"You're not surprised?" she asks.

I've been forewarned by dreams. See Chapter Five of my life story.

"So I'm the stuff of your dreams?" Asakura giggles. "That makes me really happy…"

You're not getting the point. Haven't we already agreed that you were going to make a boxed lunch for me instead of this Hadaka Apron fetish?

"Yes, but this is different. I'm cold, Kyon."

Of course you're cold. Try putting on more clothes.

"But only **you** can warm me."

Thanks but no. Between myself and my body pillow, there's no room on this sofa for us both.

"Body pillow?" Asakura looks honestly confused. "What body pillow?"

You're right. I don't remember getting a body pillow. And this feels too firm and warm to be a pillow. What the hell am I hugging?

Asakura yanks my blanket off.

Guh! Nagato! What are you doing there curled up inside my arms!

"I am keeping you warm," she tells me matter-of-factly.

Asakura pouts. "That's unfair, Nagato!"

That's what you're complaining about, Asakura?

"I want to snuggle with Kyon-kun, too!"

And Asakura leaps onto me.

Ugh! Asakura! Attack Nagato! Not me!

"He's mine!"

"No."

Our fall from the sofa is pure déjà vu. I scramble free of the tangled mess that are the wrestling Nagato and Asakura. What is it with these two? I thought Haruhi was their objective?

"Ah! Kyon!"

Asakura would have scrabbled after me had not Nagato bear-hugged her from behind. Somehow a tiny slip of a bookworm girl, who wore glasses until recently, could wrestle her bigger rival into immobility.

I'd better get away while I can. I retreat towards Asakura's bedroom. I can probably lock myself in there. Nagato seems content with denying me to Asakura.

"Kyon."

My worst nightmare blocks my only escape route.

Ah? Haruhi? What are you doing out of bed?

The blue pajama-clad Tyrant Goddess glares at me through squinted eyes. "You're a breasts man, aren't you, Kyon?"

What! What the heck are you talking about!

"Don't lie to me." Haruhi scowls. "You keep on staring at Mikuru-chan's boobs like they're the greatest wonder in the world–"

That's ridiculous! Sure, Asahina-san's breasts are definitely great –especially if she will really grow up into that secretary beauty Asahina-san-Big– but that's not why I'm interested in her!

"– and you have no complaints about Asakura-san's breasts!"

I'll have you know that Nagato also molests my arms on a regular basis, and she has no bust whatsoever.

"I have great breasts, too, you know! Let me show you!"

And Haruhi fumbles at the buttons of her pajamas.

Wait! Don't strip in front of me! I don't want Asakura to kick me out of her apartment!

Haruhi isn't listening. "Here!" She thrusts her half-undone top at me. I get a glimpse of skin paler and softer than her throat. And is that a flash of yellow cotton? "Take a real good look! There's no viewing fee!"

I cover my eyes lest they pop out of their sockets. Haruhi! Cover yourself! I don't want to go to jail!

Haruhi stumbles. Before I can catch her, she ends up slumped against my legs with her face pressed against my embarrassment.

Haruhi?

Her reply sounds rather like a buzz saw. She's snoring.

She was sleepwalking. She had been asleep all the while.

I seriously hate this sleepover.

**  
**Salvation came late at last in the form of the early morning alarm. To my disgust, Asakura and Nagato look chipper despite their all-nighter wrestling match. Aliens. Or computers. Or something. I'm left to compare notes with a similarly wasted Haruhi.

"I feel sick," Haruhi complains.

Don't say that so lightly. Your suffering is nothing compared to mine.

"What's your problem?" she scowls.

My problem? I'll tell you what my problem is.

**  
****Last Night:**

I huff with every step I take. Now I'm not out of shape. Walking up and down a hill every school day is very good cardio. But I feel like I'm carrying one of those old ghosts that weigh as heavy as a mountain.

I can't say that aloud, though. Haruhi will strangle me if she thinks I'm implying she's fat.

I can't have Haruhi slumped against my legs all night long. And I can't leave her on the floor however much she deserves the punishment. So I carried her piggyback style to the bed she's supposed to share with Nagato.

Man, Haruhi is heavier than she looks. Maybe she is getting plumper?

"Mmm… Kyon…"

Her arms tighten around my neck. Her breathe washes hot and heavy upon the nape of my neck. I could swear those smug lips of hers are just about to nuzzle me. The breasts she bared so brazenly at me already press into my back. Her pajama front remains partly open, since I didn't dare button her back up for fear of disturbing her, so that silken feeling I'm experiencing is probably–

Focus, Kyon, focus…

Argh… I'm calling myself by that stupid nickname…

I try to ignore her as best as I can. And I hurry my steps. If she wakes up now–

Finally, after what feels like a journey of a thousand miles with the weight of the world (and considering what everyone thinks of her, it's probably apt) on my shoulders, I reach her bed.

Here we are, Haruhi. You can get off me now.

"But I'm full..."

Don't give me classic sleep talk. I seat the dozing Haruhi upon the lip of the mattress. I make sure to be gentle in the act of unlocking her grip upon my throat lest she throttle me for real.

Exertion and lack of sleep had clogged my nerves. So I didn't get any advance warning when Haruhi suddenly dragged me down onto the bed with her.

"Kyon~"

H-Haruhi!

We're tangled up in a mess of limbs. I can't tell where I end and she begins. And I can't break free without waking her up.

Haruhi snuggles against me in a manner both demure and desperate, like a little kitten seeking warmth from its mother or new owner. I spot a sleepy smile play upon her lips, as if everything has happened just as planned.

I'm so dead.

**  
****This Morning:**

Haruhi scowls at me. "Well?" she demands. "Aren't you going to tell us?"

Never mind.

**  
**For your information, I engineered a prison break minutes from Haruhi's arms before she woke up. Of course, that meant I needed to stay up all night waiting for a chance to escape. So I didn't get any sleep whatsoever.

This is the last time I'm sleeping over with any member of the SOS Brigade.

**  
**"Hi, Kyon-kun!"

No one calls me by my real name anymore. Not even my worst enemy.

"I would like to consider myself your best friend."

Never. And why are you lurking outside my house? What do you want now?

"I want to keep the promise I made to you earlier. That's why I've been waiting for you." This rather pretty brown-haired girl gestures with the umbrella in her hand. Her implement drips a little rainwater. "I never thought you'd return so late, though…"

So you were waiting for me in the rain last night? Well, you can blame Haruhi for that. And it's really her fault this time.

"So you know."

Know what?

"You know…"

Don't give me that!

"I apologize." She said it with that constant smile I found so annoying and insincere. "Can we meet after school? I'd like to take you to see a place."

Let me guess. It's something to do with Haruhi?

"It's something to do with Suzumiya-san."

**  
**After school, I went on a ride with Koizumi Itsuko.

* * *

**  
****Author's Note**

Sheo Darren never learns…

**  
****Itsuko (Suzumiya Haruki):** "Thanks, Sheo! I look forward to working with you!"

**Me:** "No problem, Itsuko. Welcome to my team."

**Koizumi Itsuki:** "Wait! What about me?"

**Me:** *grins* "You're fired."

**  
***Koizumi bursts into flames*

**  
****Koizumi: "****Aaah! I'm burning! I'm burning for real!"**

**Me:** "Ah, yes, Shroud of Flame is so fun to use with that line. Donald Trump so wishes he could do that. Now, who else do I have on schedule?"

**  
***the door is kicked open by **LIAM NEESON***

**  
****Me:** "Uwahhh! Qui-Gon Jin! You live?"

**Liam Neeson:** "You don't remember me? We spoke on the phone in the earlier part of this chapter. I told you I'll find you."

**Me:** "What? We did? What did I do, Darkman?"

**Liam Neeson:** "You took my daughter. Now I'm going to take your life."

**Me:** "Reh? When did I get on your list, Schindler?"

**  
***flash back*

**  
****Liam Neeson as Bryan Mills (Taken):** "(I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.)"

**Ryoko:** "I'm Sheo Darren."

**Yuki:** "Good luck." *ends calls*

**Haruhi:** "Nice one! Sheo has that coming after taking a third of a year to update this fic!"

**Kyon:** *face palms* "Good grief."

**  
***flash forward*

**  
****Me:** "I'm dead."

**  
***Liam Neeson beats Sheo up worse than Kurillin's combined beatings throughout the whole Dragonball franchise*

**  
****Kurillin (Dragonball Z Abridged):** "You know… you guys are the reason I'm in therapy…"

**Me:** "Aiieee! Spare me, Ra's al Ghul!"

**  
***Liam Neeson transforms into Aslan.*

**  
****Saber (Fate/stay night):** "Shirou… It's… It's cute! Can I keep it, Shirou? Can I?"

**Emiya Shirou:** "But people die when they are killed…"

**  
***Author Assistants Yuuki and Four Darren watch Sheo reenact the ancient Roman practice of feeding Christians to wild beasts with their "father" in the starring role and a stellar supporting cast of Aslan, Mufasa, Kimba, Simba, all five Voltron/Golion Lions, Tigertron from Beast Wars, the Pink Panther, cat-form Len from Tsukihime, and Piro from Kanon*

**  
****Yuuki:** "This is what we get after he watches Taken…"

**Four:** "I can has cheeseburger?"

**Yuuki:** "… oh, why not? By the way, spot the scenes and lines from Evangelion, Gurren Lagann, Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni, Bakemonogatari and To Aru Majutsu No Index."

**Me:** *while Piro and Ren are gnawing on my ears* "I take Jesus Yamato as my G-Savior Gundam!"


	10. 10: A Certain Psychic Oneesama

"Do you ever get the feeling that you're just a small nail on this Earth?"

I stare at Haruhi. Her home is on the way to mine, so I walked with her. As we stood before a train crossing, she sprung this surprisingly poignant question on me.

She answered her own question:

"I have, and I'll never forget it.

"When I was in sixth grade, I went with my family to see a baseball game. I was shocked to see so many people all around me. The whole stadium was packed with so many people that they looked like small grains of rice moving about. I had thought the whole nation had gathered there at that point.

"So I asked my dad how many people were at the stadium. My dad said it was full that day, so maybe around fifty thousand?

"I was stunned. There were so many people here, yet they were only a tiny fraction of the whole nation. I read in geography class that Japan had a population of a hundred million. So I did some mental math. I found out that fifty thousand was only one out of two thousand of the total population.

"I was stunned again. I was only a small part of so many people in the stadium, and this many people were in turn merely one out of two thousand of the whole nation.

"Before that, I had always felt myself to be special. I was happy with my family. I believed that I was with the world's most interesting people in my class.

"Yet, from that time on, I realized things weren't like that. The experiences I had in school, that I thought were the happiest things in the world, turned out to exist in every school. This was nothing special.

"**I** wasn't special. Not one bit.

"When I discovered that, the whole world around me lost its color. I found it extremely boring when I realized all these things are all part of a person's ordinary life. I believe that since there are so many people in this world, there has to be someone who is living an extraordinary, exciting life.

"But why isn't that person **me**?

"So when I entered junior high, I decided to change myself. I wanted to let the world know that I'm not a girl who will only sit and wait. I believe I've tried my best. But everything is still the same. And now I'm in high school, still hoping for something to change."

Her eyes never leave me throughout her spiel. Her brown pupils remained focused on me. They're asking me for something. Anything.

The rumbling passage of a train gives me time to think it over. Should I ask more about this heartfelt admission? Was there a philosophical answer that would please her?

I said:

.

**Is that so?**

.

I couldn't believe I practically dismissed her heartfelt speech. I called Asakura heartless, but it looks like I'm the one without a heart.

Haruhi had been holding her hair throughout the train's passage. She broke our eye contact to glare at the path ahead. "Let's go!" she told me.

I could reach home faster if I followed her. But her back was silently telling me "Don't follow me! I mean it this time! I let you off the hook yesterday, but I won't forgive you if you push your luck today!"

So I stayed where I was and watched Haruhi walk off. And when she disappeared from my sight, I asked myself:

Just what the hell have I been doing all along?

.

"Hi, Kyon-kun."

When I came home, I found Koizumi Itsuko waiting at the door.

"Can we meet after school? I'd like to take you to see a place."

**.**

**Not Quite What I'd Expected**

A Suzumiya Haruhi No Yuutsu Fan Fic

**.**

**Disclaimer**

Haruhi is not mine. So is A Certain…

**.**

**Rant**

Thundere! Thundere! Thundere! Nyan!

**.**

**Chapter Ten**

**A Certain Psychic Oneesama**

**.**

I immediately agree with Koizumi's request. The idea was to get her out of my way as soon as possible so I can get on with my morning ablutions.

That was a mistake on my part. Koizumi is so delighted by my cooperation that she actually waited for me to bathe and change so that she could walk with me to school. That meant my sister saw her as I went out the door.

"Who is she, Kyon? Is she your girlfriend?"

No, she's a fellow club member.

"Oh. Hello!"

"Hello, there," Koizumi greets my sister. "You must be Kyon's sister."

She has a proper name, you know. So do I.

"I'm sure they're wonderful names. Shall we go, then?"

Aren't you going to ask me what my real name is? Hey! Come back here!

Koizumi is a transfer student from Kouyouen High Scool. Kouyouen is an elite all-girls school for the rich and famous at the bottom of the hill, just in front of the train station. It's one of the top schools in university entrance rates in this prefecture.

She still wears her Kouyouen uniform to school. Koizumi says she has yet to receive her North High sailor uniform. She always sticks out in a crowd of North High students, a misplaced parochial school girl in the midst of sailor scouts, what with the long sleeves of her black blazer masking her arms from shoulder to wrist, an equally black skirt whose pleats ripple with every step she takes, black knee-high stockings that tightly clad her slim legs and the earth-brown bow upon her white-collared neck.

Just so you and I understand each other, I am not going into detail about Koizumi's outfit because I have a fetish for parochial school girl uniforms or because I'm interested in Koizumi herself. Her clothes are simply that different from my usual fare, and she wears them with an aplomb that rivals Asakura.

We reach school in time. "I will see you at the gate after school, Kyon-kun!" Koizumi bids me as she runs off to her class.

More fuel to the fire. Good grief.

.

"Kyon-kun?"

It's lunch break. Asakura approaches me coyly. I'm relieved to see her in proper clothes. I've seen enough of her almost-naked body these past few days to last me a lifetime. Besides, the North High uniform has charms of its own.

I repeat: This is not because I have a bigger fetish for sailor uniforms than parochial school uniforms. Or a fetish for school uniforms in general.

What is it, Asakura?

"You aren't eating lunch today?"

I know what's coming. We choreographed this beforehand to make it look as simple and ordinary as possibly. If my classmates found out that I slept at Asakura's apartment with Asakura herself, **plus** Nagato and Haruhi…

And by 'slept' I mean real honest-to-goodness sleeping, not… well, you know…

So I lied and spun a story about waking up late, hurrying to school in order to avoid being late, and thus forgetting to get my allowance from my parents this morning.

"Oh. Then would you like to share my lunch with me?" Asakura holds up a large lunch box lovingly wrapped in navy blue cloth. "I accidentally made too much for myself this morning. You can have some of it if you like."

Yes!

Earlier this morning, I had peeked on Asakura while she was in the kitchen preparing breakfast. I wanted to see what kind of boxed lunch she would make for me. I managed to get a heavenly whiff of eel. Only then had I realized that she might actually make a great wife…

And then Asakura caught me. Or rather, she knew I was going to peek in on her, so she let me poke my head through the doorway long enough to get a single sniff of rapture. Then she playfully chased me out of the kitchen. "It's supposed to be a secret," she had scolded me before closing the door.

At least she fended me off with a spatula instead of a cleaver. And she wore clothes beneath the apron.

As expected, our classmates gushed.

"Wow!"

"Class Rep made a lunch box for Kyon?"

"Aw… that's so cute…"

"Kyon, you lucky dog!"

That last would be Taniguchi, by the way.

Asakura shows off by making the act of unfolding a boxed lunch's cloth cover mesmerizing in all her demureness.

Wow, she used an old-fashioned wooden box that probably dates back to the Tokugawa Shogunate.

She lifts the lid. I was right. She cooked eel. And– are those tortoise eggs? That's expensive stuff!

"Please help yourself to them!" Asakura invites me.

Thanks! Hmm, I seem to be missing something– or someone…

"Woah!"

"It's that first year!"

"Where are her eyeglasses?"

"Kyon, you lucky dog!"

Taniguchi has no imagination whatsoever.

Nagato has just entered our classroom. She manages to somehow look smaller than the three cans of juice drinks gathered in her arms. This interesting optical illusion is doubled since she isn't hiding behind eyeglasses anymore.

My classmates move out of her way. Only Asakura stays put as she approaches us.

Nagato wordlessly gives me a can of juice. Then she deigns to glance at Asakura.

Asakura strains to keep her smile up.

Nagato reluctantly offers her one of the remaining cans in her arms.

"Why, thank you, Nagato-san," Asakura lies.

"You're welcome."

Yes, Vulcans lie, and so can Nagato, apparently. I'd hate to play poker with her.

Immediately our audience gushes anew.

"Uwaaah!"

"They're **cooperating**!"

"Kyon's harem is **complete**!"

"Kyon, you lucky dog!"

Taniguchi is starting to sound like a broken record. And what's this about a harem **again**? Good grief!

I sigh. At times like this I could usually feel Haruhi's eyes boring into my back. I glance over my shoulder.

Her seat is empty.

Why do I feel that way, too?

.

Haruhi doesn't attend this afternoon's meeting, either. Her absence means there's no club activities today. I tell the others to go home. Asahina-san accedes immediately. I think she's relieved that she won't be stripped today. But, being the sweet heart that she is, she still worries about Haruhi.

"Did anything happen to her yesterday, Kyon-kun?"

.

"_You're a breasts man, aren't you, Kyon?"_

"_I have great breasts, too, you know! Let me show you!"_

"_Here! Take a real good look! There's no viewing fee!"_

"_Mmm… Kyon…"_

"_But I'm full..."_

"_**Kyon…"**_

.

No, Asahina-san. Nothing happened at all.

"I see… well, take care, then..."

I will, Asahina-san.

... I can't believe I lied to sweet Asahina-san.

But it's the truth. Nothing happened between us.

Right?

.

As usual, Asakura and Nagato accompany me to the gate. To say they did not take well to seeing Koizumi waving at me was an understatement.

"I will be borrowing Kyon-kun for the afternoon." Koizumi bows. "I apologize for imposing on you, Asakura-san, Nagato-san."

Don't worry, you guys. I'll be back.

Asakura and Nagato reluctantly accede to Koizumi's request. "If a girl truly loves a boy," Asakura admits, "She'll let him go, because if he truly loves her, he'll come back."

I'm not going to touch that comment with a ten-foot-pole.

And even while this happens, I glance around me, looking, waiting for a shrill "Kyon, you stupid idiot! Now you have **three** girls with you?"

But Haruhi never appeared.

.

A taxi is waiting for us. Koizumi tells the driver to go to a large city outside the prefecture. She's paying.

So what is the promise you said you were going to keep?

"Didn't you tell me you wanted to see proof of my Esper powers? Now is the chance to do so. That's why I wanted you to come with me."

Is there any need to travel so far?

"Yes. I can only use my powers in specific places and under certain conditions. The place we're heading to fits those conditions."

Koizumi then blabs about a whole lot of complicated nonsense involving Haruhi and something called the Anthropic Principle. She honestly believes Haruhi is a goddess or something to that effect.

So does Nagato and Asakura, now that I think of it. And Asahina-san thinks the same. Or something that is close enough to fit.

We stop at a typical local metropolis. The taxi driver drove off without charging us. Koizumi and I walk over the white lines of a zebra crossing.

So what is it that you wanted to show me by taking me here, Koizumi?

"There's still time for you to change your mind."

I'm already here anyway, so cut to the chase.

"Okay, then."

And Koizumi takes my hand.

I groan. Not you, too?

"Why, whatever do you mean?"

I thought you were only pretending to be interested in me.

"I am. Pretending, that is."

I do not trust you at all.

"That's too sad. But can I ask you to trust me for a moment?"

I dodged a commuter. The green lights started flashing. In a few moments, it'll be the turn of the **cars** to charge me.

Alright! What do you want me to do?

"Can you please close your eyes for a while? This won't take long," Koizumi promised me.

Do you want us to get run over?

"They won't run us over."

I hope your Esper power can stop them. Fine, I'll do it. And don't try to grope me in the meantime.

"I promise."

You'd better not. I close my eyes. I could still hear the many footsteps on the street, the car engines roaring, the endless chatting, and all the sorts of noises you'd attribute to a busy city.

"Now take three steps forward."

I do that.

"You can open them now."

Where is this place?

No. The right question is: What dimension is this?

"This is a Sealed Reality, a place that is completely cut off from the world we live in."

Koizumi's voice comes clear as a bell across the eerie silence. She explains everything as we travel through this ghost city.

Apparently this is another dimension that is close to ours. We entered it through a gap that connects it to our dimension. And I only managed to do so because Koizumi brought me with her. One of her powers allows her to enter places like this.

"Sealed Realities like this occur randomly. Sometimes it appears once every other day, and sometimes it appears once every several months. Yet, one thing's for sure." Koizumi smiled grimly. "Whenever Suzumiya-san is in a mentally unstable condition, this space will appear."

So you're blaming Haruhi for this. Again.

"I am not blaming her; I am merely stating the facts as they appear to us."

That's sophistry.

"Perhaps it is," Koizumi conceded.

We arrive at the rooftop of an apartment block. Koizumi keeps talking about how she and her companions can sense these Sealed Realities. "How do we know that? Frankly, even we don't know how. In any case, we just know when and where a Sealed Reality will appear, and how to penetrate it."

You brought me here to see this?

"No, the real thing comes after this. It's about to start."

What do you mean?

"My abilities are to detect Sealed Realities and penetrate them. To be honest, I can even detect Suzumiya-san's state of mind. This world is like a disease created from the tremors of Suzumiya-san's unstable emotional state. And I am the cure."

You stole your comparison from Stallone, didn't you?

"People often tell me that." Koizumi grins at me. "Anyway, you're pretty amazing! You don't seem freaked out at all by the sight of all this."

I've had way too many such experiences already.

"I see." Koizumi shoots a look past me. "It seems like it's begun." She gestured grandly. "Turn around and look behind you."

What on earth is that?

"We believe this to be the manifestation of Suzumiya-san's frustration." The 30-story-tall giant raised its right arm over the nearest building. "Every time her inner conflict reaches a certain limit, this giant will appear and destroy everything around it to relieve pressure."

As if validating Koizumi's statement, the giant's arm crashed down like a battleaxe, splitting the building in half.

"If it manifests in our reality, it'll cause widespread destruction. That is why this Sealed Reality is created, to keep the giant here away from our reality. "

The glowing blue giant rampaged through the city while Koizumi explained things. I could hear the sound of the buildings collapsing, but not the footsteps of the giant.

"According to the laws of physics, it should be impossible for a giant like that to be able to stand due to its weight. Yet it is able to move around freely as if it is weightless. And though destroying a building involves a change in molecular structure, these rules don't seem to apply to it. Not even the whole world's combined armies would be able to stop it."

So we just let this thing have its way?

"No, and this is why I exist. Please look over there."

Koizumi pointed towards the blue giant. I saw five small dots, glowing sesame seeds compared to the giant.

"Those are my companions, who, like me, have obtained their powers from Suzumiya-san. We are warriors in charge of hunting down these giants."

The distance was great, but I could see the small dots attacking the blue giant with odd flashes of light and chunks of debris. They didn't seem to be doing much damage, though.

"Oneesama!"

I cringe. The speaker's pitch can break paper cups at fifty paces. I take a look and find a girl at least a year younger than me approaching us. She is head and shoulders shorter than me and is wearing a Kouyouen uniform like Koizumi's. Her brown hair is lighter in color than Koizumi's and is done up in two ponytails.

Where'd she come from? I could swear I didn't hear the door open. I glance at the door just to be sure. Yeah, it's still closed. So how did this girl get here? Did she teleport or something?

"Hello, Kuroko," Koizumi greeted the new arrival.

"You're late, Oneesama," Kuroko scolded.

"I apologize. I wanted to bring him along with me." Koizumi gestures at me.

Kuroko looks me over with interest. "Maa, maa, Oneesama," she snickers. "So this is the gentleman you've been talking about…"

"Yes. Let me introduce you to each other. Kuroko, this is Kyon–"

Don't introduce me using that stupid nickname!

"Kyon-kun, this is Shirai Kuroko, my junior back at Kouyouen High."

"I'm pleased to meet you, Kyon-san," Kuroko tells me.

Please don't call me by that stupid nickname…

"Thanks for your efforts, Kuroko. I'm stepping in right now." Koizumi glances at me. "Hey," she asks me, "Do you know what a rail gun is?"

Huh?

"It is also called a super electromagnetic weapon. By borrowing Fleming's momentum, it can fire bullets at hypersonic speed, many times the speed of sound."

Koizumi pulls out a shiny coin from her blazer pocket. She winks at me.

"Something like this."

And she flips the coin into the air.

I gape. Koizumi is suddenly surrounded by electrical sparks, as if she has suddenly become a human electric eel. She closes her left eye as if to better aim with her right eye.

Right as the coin lines up with her extended arm, Koizumi's lightning shell flares. A golden beam shoots out from her hand. I realize that the beam is the coin, or rather the trail left by the coin, a comet tail of molten metal and maybe even ions stripped by its hyper-acceleration through the atmosphere. The shot shatters the pavement into so many shards and whiplashes dust towards us. I cover my ears to protect against the terrific sonic boom as my eyes follow the coin's trail to the blue giant it intersected.

The coin punches through the kilometers-distant blue giant as easily as if it was made of air. It rips out a giant hole in the giant's chest. The giant doubles over. It looks seriously hurt. Then its upper torso falls off, sheared clean of its lower body. I saw blue smoke puff out of the stump. Maybe that is its blood? Its severed portions glow and then disintegrate into a shower of particles resembling falling snow.

"Yes," Kuroko tells me. "She is definitely among the top of this world's billions of people. The Electromistress who rules over me. Third strongest of the seven Level 5 Espers in The Organization. The Railgun. Koizumi Itsuko-oneesama. Kouyouen High's Ace. The unrivalled Electric Princess."

Koizumi flicks stray strands of her hair out of her eyes. Again she winks at me as the gray globe surrounding us shatters.

.

"Biri biri~"

.

The same taxi driver fetches us. Kuroko accompanies us on the drive back. She's incredibly gushy and clings to Koizumi like how Koizumi clings to me when Haruhi is around. Koizumi doesn't seem to mind her attentions at all. In fact, I think she welcomes Kuroko's companionship, even as she spouts new techno babble at me.

Tell me something, Koizumi. When you first appeared, you instantly attached yourself to me. But when there's no one else around– no; when **Haruhi** isn't around, you act normally. You yourself are not interested in me romantically, right?

Kuroko's ponytails flare like the nine tails of an angry fox spirit. Koizumi merely chuckles.

"You're correct, Kyon-kun. I just pretend I am."

Why?

"It's because Suzumiya-san expects me to like you."

What? What kind of reasoning is that? And it's Haruhi again? Can't you stop blaming her for everything?

"I'm not blaming her. As I told you earlier, I can sense Suzumiya-san's mental condition. And part of her mental condition is that she expects me to be in love with you."

Why would she want that?

Koizumi actually hesitated. "I think it is because she wants a love rival," she finally said.

A what?

"A love rival is someone who competes for another person's love interest."

I know what a love rival is!

"Then you understand my situation."

No, I don't! That's the most retarded explanation I've ever heard!

"I told you, I just know, it can't be explained. Everyone associated with the 'Organization' is the same. One day, we just suddenly knew everything about Suzumiya-san and how she could affect this world, as well as realizing that since we now had supernatural powers, we couldn't just allow these Sealed Realities to continue untouched. If we didn't do anything about it, the world as we know it would be destroyed. And that would be… troublesome."

Even Kuroko was sobered by Koizumi's last statement. We stay quiet for a while.

If what you say is right, why would Haruhi want a love rival? She doesn't have a boyfriend right now.

"The more interesting item of interest, I think, would be the identity of the person whose affections I and Suzumiya-san are notionally competing for."

So who is it?

Koizumi gives me one of her irritating smiles. "Who else can it be?" she asks.

My heart sinks into a whirlpool of despair. You've got to be kidding.

"I wish I was."

Good grief.

"Let's change topics, Oneesama," Kuroko volunteered.

Yeah, let's stop stoking that fire. So who do **you** like, Koizumi?

"Isn't it obvious?" Kuroko pipes up. She hops into Koizumi's lap so she can glomp her senior. "It's Kuroko!"

"It's impolite to gape, Kyon-kun," Koizumi tells me.

.

The legendary taxi driver drops me off in front of my house. Koizumi's parting words pursue me out the door.

"Please pay attention to Suzumiya-san's actions. Her supposedly stable mental state has now begun to show signs of rapid change. It's been quite a while since something like today has happened."

Even if I did observe her, she'd still become like that. Isn't that so?

"Frankly, I don't know either. But I find it to be a good idea to leave everything to you."

Why me?

"That's a very good question, Kyon-kun." Koizumi smiles at me. "I wish I knew why."

.The morning after, things went back to normal.

.

"Kyon! Quit staring at empty space! Get over here! We have stuff to do!"

.

Welcome back, Haruhi.

.

Or did they?

.

**To Be Continued**

.

**Author's Notes**

Would you believe that this Chapter's Author's Note was originally intended for the previous chapter, Ch. 9, as a Chekov's Gun? Well, now you know. And as Sheo always likes to say, "Knowing is half the battle. The other half is violence. Yooo Joe!"

.

**Me:** "Getting beat up by Liam Neeson was GAR, but I need my daily dose of Yandere Loving! **Where's** my Yandere Loving?"

*Misaka Mikoto (To Aru Majutsu No Index/To Aru Kagaku no Choudenjibo) spin kicks Sheo to the back of his head*

**Me:** "Uguu!"

**Mikoto:** "Jerk! I caught you drooling over endless replays of my fight with that other jerk in Episode 4 of A Certain Scientific Railgun!"

**Me:** "Wait! You're not a yandere! You're a tundra!"

**Mikoto:** *flares electricity* "What? What did you just call me?"

**Me:** "No, wait, I got it wrong! You're Thundere!"

**Mikoto:** "Shut up!"

*Mikoto electrocutes Sheo*

**Me:** "Aaaahhh! Tsundere! There! Tsundere!"

**Mikoto:** *blushes so hotly, she pops steam out of her ears* "Just **die** already!"

*Author Assistants Yuuki and Four Darren watches Mikoto reenact the electric metal bed torture scene from Rambo: First Blood*

**Yuuki: "**And this is the closest we've gotten to a bed scene in any of his fan fiction since Wet Dreams…"

**Four:** "He Tempted Fate with the Tsundere who's into Shock And Awe."

**Yuuki:** "You should stop browsing TV Tropes so much."

**Four:** "Why? It is made of Epic Win! And Epic Fail, too!"

**Yuuki:** "4chan is off limits as well. Feel sorry for Moot, will you? It's his bandwidth you're wasting."

**Four:** "In 4chan, Moot feels sorry for you."

**Yuuki:** "And Yakov Smirnoff, too."

**Four:** wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

**Yuuki:** "And Nico Nico Douga– oh, whatever…"

**Four:** "Certain parts of this fan fiction were lifted from the English translation of the first volume of the Haruhi light novel. Papa is now receiving divine punishment for copy-pasta. Mmm, copy-pasta… needs more salt…"

**Me:** "Aaah! Shocking! Power On! Light's Out!"

**Misaka Imouto 10032:** *holds up her goggles* "My goggles, Misaka states in a moe-moe manner, they do something."

**Last Order:** "Biribiri, cheers Misaka cheers Misaka!"

**Mikoto:** "Shut up!"


	11. Dreams, Near-Death, and Near-Kyon

I stare at the gray sky above me, a sky devoid of color or warmth.

Is this a Sealed Reality, a space closed from outside interference?

No. I can see stars and the moon hiding behind wispy white clouds. Sealed Realities don't have those. Not that I'm an instant expert on Sealed Realities, given that I've only been in one.

"You're awake?"

Who's that? Haruhi?

"Welcome to the Like Hell I'm Dead Battlefront."

I stare at Haruhi. And then I gape at the object she expertly held.

It's a gun. A sniper rifle. The biggest one I've ever seen. And it looks real.

The most dangerous woman in the universe now has a gun.

Good grief.

.

* * *

.

**Not Quite What I'd Expected**

A Suzumiya Haruhi No Yuutsu Fan Fic

**.**

**Disclaimer**

Sheo Darren does not own Haruhi-

.

_*cuts scene to the pulped corpse of the Author's face in a pool of his own blood. Hovering over his rotting body is the surrealistic caricature of a pony-tailed blue-colored giantess that had once been Haruhi Suzumiya, once an immature magical girl contracted to an Incubator, now a matured slave to the wizard, having metamorphosed into one of the strongest Witches in all of the Multiverse*_

.

-Dikeido owned him.

.

**Dikeido: **"**Angenommen direkte Kontrolle.**"

.

* * *

.

**Chapter Ten**

_Dreams, Near-Death Experiences, and Near-Kyon Experiences_

.

Wait.

This girl isn't Haruhi. For one thing, her hair is… glossy purple? And her irises are a startling sea-green instead of the imperious golden brown orbs I'm used to. She's also only got one hair decoration adorning her purple hair, and it's black instead of yellow. And her sailor uniform is also not the North High one. If anything, it seems even more fetishistic, with a dangerously short skirt.

Oh, great, I'm in another dimension. And I've gotten here without Koizumi's help. That must make me the slider of the SOS Brigade.

So much for being normal…

Not-Haruhi glanced over her shoulder. "This may sound sudden," she asked, "But will you enlist with us?"

Enlist? As in join the kaiju defense force?

She returns to manning -or is it womanning? Girling?- her sniper rifle. "The fact that you're here means you died."

What? I'm already dead? I don't remember getting stabbed in the belly or having my pressure points hit by a muscular martial artist with seven scars on his chest.

"This is the afterlife. If you don't do anything, you'll be erased."

By who? You?

"Of course not. By God."

And that's you.

Not-Haruhi glowers at me. She looks just as cute as a pouting Haruhi, come to think of it. It must be because they look and act so alike. Is she an expy?

"I'm not God," she told me. "I want to find and kill God."

That's called suicide in your case.

"Whatever. Anyway, join the Like Hell I'm Dead Battlefront. Well, the title changes a lot." And she rambled and ranted about the various iterations of the name of her take on the SOS Brigade.

Feeling my IQ dropping from growing overexposure to her fridge logic, I changed the subject by asking if what she's holding is a real gun. The girl sighs in irritation, a reaction which in my estimation made her less dangerous than Haruhi, in the way that a tigress is less dangerous than the more massive African lioness.

Haha, I made a crack about Haruhi's weight again.

"Everyone who comes here reacts like that. Try to be more flexible. Just accept things as they are."

You didn't answer my question. So what do you want me to do?

"Fight."

Finally, I got a straightforward answer out of you. So whom am I supposed to fight against?

"That." She gestured with her rifle. "That is the Battlefront's enemy. Angel."

Angel… looks like Hoshino Ruri from the Martian Successor Nadesico anime, if Ruri wore her hair loose instead of tying them up in those fluffy ponytails, and if she wore a parochial school uniform with a cream blazer and a dark brown skirt.

"I think I want to change the name again," Not-Haruhi mutters to herself. "Anyway, give my suggestion a thought," she told me.

Can I go over there?

She whirls on me. "What?" Now she's acting like Haruhi. "You make no sense!"

That's the pot calling the kettle black.

"Why would you do that? Are you an idiot?"

Ah! Your face! It's even closer than Koizumi's!

"Want to try dying?"

I gulp. She really is going to kill me, just like Haruhi! And her face is so close that we can almost kiss!

But then her expression turns dispassionate. "That is a joke you'll hear a lot in this world where you can't die. Well?" she presses. "Was it funny?"

It was my turn to sigh. I'll probably have a more sensible talk with your so-called angel than with someone who points guns at girls.

Her harrumph is so like Haruhi's. "I'm your ally," she grumbled. "If you tell me not to aim the gun at her, I won't. You can trust me."

Strangely enough, I do feel like I can trust her. Not as far as I can throw her, but further than I trust Haruhi. It's like she's a kindred spirit who, like me, has to put up with all sorts of stupidities from the people around her.

"Hey, Yurippe!" This came from a recently-arrived guy with electric blue hair. "How's the newbie recruitment going? We're short on hands, so do whatever it takes!"

Not-Haruhi –whose nickname is apparently Yurippe, a very cute name that distinguishes her even more from Haruhi- pressed her face into her palm.

I know what you feel about having a stupid nickname. Anyway, I'm going to talk to the angel instead. Maybe she can send me back to where I came from. So long and thanks for the fish.

"Argh!" Yurippe raged. "Recruitment failed!"

Still, she didn't try to stop me. That made her a little better than Haruhi. I was expecting a necktie choke to stop me in my tracks.

Wow. Up close, the so-called angel really looks like Hoshino Ruri. She's even tinier than Asahina-senpai or Nagato. It's like this girl is a delicate china doll that can move around on her own volition.

Brrr… Somehow the possibility of her being a Rozen Maiden scares me. Note to self: Do not call her Junk…

Excuse me. Um… Someone is aiming a gun at you. They said you were an angel or something, which to think of it sounds like a very bad pickup line.

Dang, but that Shaft head tilt she performs is the kind of sugary sweet cuteness that heralds the onset of hereditary diabetes.

"I'm not an angel," she says.

Her eyes are the color of glittering gold hidden within the pebbles of a shallow mountain stream. Her soft voice is perfectly suited for singing. In fact, her voice reminds me of Kana Hanazawa.

She is seriously cute. If she had a ponytail on, she'd be perfect.

I shake my head. Concentrate, Kyon, concentrate…

Geh, now I'm calling myself by that stupid nickname.

"It is a good name," she assured me.

No. No, it isn't. So who are you, exactly?

"I'm the student council president."

Face, meet palm. Yurippe really is an expy of Haruhi down to the delusions of grandeur. Good grief.

So where are we, student council president-chan? Oh, let me guess. Are we in another dimension?

"This is the afterlife," she replied.

Oh, I see. The afterlife, huh? So I got it right. I was the slider, after all. After all, the afterlife is sort of another dimension -

Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute. What is this? No, wait. What's going on here? The afterlife? Hold on a sec. What did she say? This is the afterlife? Why? For what reason? And why does this spiel of mine feel so familiar?

I stare in disbelief at the self-proclaimed student council president. Her lack of facial expression could give Nagato a run for her money for Emotionless Girl of the Year Award. This girl doesn't blink or show the slightest sign of being fazed or funny.

At this very moment, the clouds decide to unveil the moon, bathing me and the so-called angel in beautiful but eerie white light.

Please stop joking around, student council president-chan. That was not funny.

"I am not making a joke," she told me with all seriousness.

If this is the afterlife, then that means I'm dead.

"Yes."

But people die when they are killed. You claim I'm dead, but I'm still talking and thinking and breathing. I can hear and feel my heart thumping in my chest. How can I be dead?

"You are already dead," she assured me.

Well, then, prove it. Show me proof that I am really dead.

She takes a shuffling step towards me. Her pretty head tilts forward so that her silvery bangs obscure her eyes.

"Guard Skill: Hand Sonic."

A sharp-looking blade materialized from where her slim wrist emerged from the cuff of her blouse's sleeve.

Oh, damn it. I ran into a yandere.

And that was when the student council president-chan, who claimed she wasn't an angel, stabbed me in the heart.

.

GREETINGS, KYON.

THAT IS CORRECT.

YOU WERE EXPECTING THE GOTH GIRL WITH THE NICE HAT? MY APOLOGIES, BUT TELEUTE IS IN CHARGE OF THE CESSATION OF LIFE IN SHEO DARREN'S PUELLA MAGI MADOKA MAGICA FAN FICTION. I AM THE ONE IN CHARGE IN HIS HARUHI SUZUMIYA FAN FICTION.

TRUST ME, YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITH ME THAN FIGHTING AN INVASION OF SUPERPOWERED ZOMBIES FROM SPACE.

YOU ARE HAVING A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE. FOR MY PART, I AM UNDERGOING A NEAR-KYON EXPERIENCE.

THANK YOU. I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY SENSE OF HUMOR. I HOPE IT WILL HELP ME UNDERSTAND MY GRANDDAUGHTER BETTER.

OF COURSE YOU WILL DIE. EVERYONE DIES. EVEN IN 'NOBODY DIES.'

WORRY NOT. I HAVE A BOOK WITH ME. IT IS A VERY GOOD BOOK. I WILL JUST SIT HERE IN THIS COMFY CHAIR AND WAIT.

YES, YOU ARE FREE TO GO. UNLESS YOU WISH TO KEEP ME COMPANY? NO? IT IS ALL RIGHT. THEN THIS IS GOODBYE FOR NOW, KYON.

I THINK KYON IS A GOOD NAME.

.

Ouch.

It feels like someone had just banged my head against a hard surface.

Go away! I'm tired! Don't disturb my dreams, weird as they are with Haruhi who's not Haruhi but Yurippe and an angel who stabs me in the heart without provocation and a giant skeleton in a black robe who sounds like Christopher Lee!

"Kyon."

Ouchers. The alarm clock hadn't even rung yet. Even if it had, I would have turned it off at once, and it was still some time before mom will send my sister to atomic elbow drop me in the belly.

"Wake up already."

Ouchest. No! I want to sleep some more. I don't have time for strange dreams.

"I said wake up! Can't you hear me?"

THUD THUD THUD

Ooowww...

The pain finally forces me to open my eyes just enough to squint. The sight I behold snaps my eyes wide open.

Haruhi? Is that really you?

"Of course it's me! Are you still asleep?"

Sudden Zen inspiration hit me.

Have you ever had a dream, Haruhi, that you were sure were so real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?

"What? You're making absolutely no sense, Kyon. Did you get stabbed in the heart or have your head banged into the floor?"

Unfortunately, Haruhi can't be told what my dream is. She has to see it for herself.

Or not. Yurippe did say she wanted to kill God. Going by what everyone tells me, Haruhi is apparently God. If they meet, it will probably be like matter coming into contact with antimatter. It would be the end of the world as we know it.

"Do you know where this is?" Haruhi asked me as I sat up.

We're at North High, at the staircase ahead of the shoe lockers by the school entrance. It was night, the school's lights were out, and everything appeared gray-

No, something is wrong.

When I look outside the window, the night sky wasn't there. Just a wide gray horizon. A monotonous sky. There was no moon or stars, not even a single cloud. And the sky was as gray as the concrete walls.

I'm really in a Sealed Reality this time.

Good grief.

.

**Earlier this day…**

"Kyon! Quit staring at empty space! Get over here! We have stuff to do!"

Haruhi's energetic command was quickly defeated by an unexpected foe: the intense bombardment of the sun's photon rays, which made for a hellish afternoon PE session. Curse you, Okabe, curse you...

"Fan me, Kyon," she ordered.

Refused. I barely have enough energy to fan myself. I don't have any to spare for you.

Still draped on her desk, Haruhi muttered, "What do you think Mikuru-chan should wear next?"

Hmm, you've already dressed her up as a bunny girl and then a maid. How about a nurse outfit?

"A nurse sounds good..."

Entering stage right of my mind is the tiny figure of Asahina-senpai, blushing and moaning and wriggling helplessly as Haruhi strips her and then dresses her in an outfit that will make any hotblooded male go "Hello, Nurse." Ah, she's simply so adorable that she dazes me...

Wait a minute. There's going to be another costume? And I suggested it?

...I'm sorry, Asahina-senpai, I've been infected by Haruhi. Please endure this for me.

Haruhi scowled at me. Apparently she read my mind. She then lightly flipped her hair behind her ears, which would have been more effective a gesture had her hair been longer.

"You look like an idiot," she told me.

I can't really argue with her even though she started the topic since she may be right.

"I'm so bored!" Haruhi complained.

.

After classes end, I head straight to the club room, bearing her Imperial Majesty's command.

_._

_"Before I arrive at the club room, I forbid you from doing anything funny to Mikuru-chan._"

.

So if you're there, Haruhi, it's perfectly okay to do anything funny to her? What a double standard...

I knock first and wait for the newest occupant to open it.

"Hello."

Hi… whatever your name is…

"Kiri. Kiri Komori."

Right. It's nice to see you again, hikkikomori-san. Can I go through this door?

"Please use the other door."

Okay… It's a sad day when a NEET displaces the main entrance of a clubroom.

Hey, wait a minute. When did the SOS Brigade clubroom get a second entrance? Did it always have another entrance? Did Haruhi change reality just like Koizumi always says she can? Or maybe Nagato did it?

I shake my head. Whatever… I need my daily dose of Asahina-senpai.

And there she was, the cutest maid in the world, seated on a chair like a life-sized doll, welcoming me with the brightest of smiles. Ah, she warms me so...

And if Asahina-senpai is my sun, then the nearby Nagato is a camellia blossom soaking up her daily dose of spring sunshine.

Argh, what kind of metaphors are these? It's like my lines are being written by a copywriter forced to take a second degree in business administration…

"I'll go and make tea."

I watch Asahina-senpai make tea from the comforts of the Commander's Chair. Remembering something, I turned on the computer and opened the MIKURU folder by typing in the password. My collection of pictures of Asahina-senpai unfolded before me like flower petals stroked by the sun's rays. I took a quick look at Asahina-senpai to make sure she's still busying herself with the tea before zooming into one of the images.

There, on her enticing left breast, sat a little black mark. I zoom in some more.

So that's the one…

"Did you find something?"

A quick Alt + F4 closed the image file. A follow-up click dismisses the folder. Asahina-senpai will see nothing for I am a smooth criminal.

"Huh, what's this? What's inside this MIKURU file?"

Oh, no! I was too careless! I should have given it a less suspicious name, like NAGATO or RYOKO or even HARUHI, but definitely not ITSUKO.

"Why does that file have my name? What's inside it? Let me see, c'mon! Let me see!"

Umm, these are not the droids you are looking for?

"Liar!"

The most wonderful thing happened next. Asahina-senpai practically tried to crawl over my back and shoulder to get at the mouse. Her sweet scent wafts over my face, her cute laughter fills my head, and her body feels so soft on my back.

Asahina-san, can you please let me go...

"C'mon, just a peek!"

Ah… this is too much... I cannot resist this enticing advance any longer… I'm going to-

"What are you two doing?"

We froze. Really. The room's temperature suddenly dropped to Arctic levels. And considering that we don't have an air conditioner in the club room…

Haruhi glared at us as if I were assaulting Asahina-san even though it's technically the other way around and totally consensual.

Uh, that still came out wrong…

Asahina-san peeled herself off me and nervously backed away until she half-sat, half-dropped herself onto a folding chair. Her fair face was pale and she looked ready to burst into tears.

Letting out a harrumphing sound of dismissal, Haruhi strode over to where I occupied her desk and eyeballed me disapprovingly. "So," she asked, "You're interested in maid costumes?"

What do you mean by that?

She doesn't answer me. Instead, she muttered, "I'm going to change."

Suit yourself. I lifted the cup of tea that Asahina-san made for me to my lips.

"Didn't I say I need to change?" Haruhi growled.

So?

"SO GET OUT!"

And the next thing I knew, I was sprawled across the cold floor of the corridor courtesy a boot (or rather, an indoor shoe) to my behind. The door behind me banged shut.

What the hell was that for!? It's a sad day, indeed, when a proper founding member is kicked out of the clubroom while a house spirit is allowed to blockade the main entrance!

Wait a minute. Something is rotten in the SOS Brigade clubroom… and it isn't Hikkikomori-san- err, Kiri Komori-san, since she looks like she bathes regularly…

Haruhi kicked me out of the club room so that she could change clothes.

Back in the classroom, she'd openly change clothes whether or not there were guys in the room. She considers guys on the same level as sacks of potatoes. Asakura has to chase all of us guys out of the room before the PE session bell rings.

But just now, she kicked me out. What's changed?

.

_"Don't follow me! I mean it this time! I let you off the hook yesterday, but I won't forgive you if you push your luck today!"_

.

"Please come in..."

Asahina-san's small voice coaxes me back inside the clubroom. I'm greeted by the welcome sight of the impeccable maid. Over her shoulder I can see Haruhi seated upon her Iron Throne with all the authoritative arrogance of a Jarl of a Hold in Skyrim.

She was wearing that bunny girl outfit, but without the cuffs or necktie or even stockings. She did keep the long bunny ears for some unknown reason.

"Though the arms and the back are a bit cool," she muttered while plucking at the front of her body-hugging costume, "this costume is actually quite tight."

And despite her complaints about the heat, Haruhi proceeded to drink the hot tea that Asahina-senpai made for her.

Both of her legs were resting on the table. The absence of stockings revealed immaculately smooth skin of surprising paleness. My gaze follows their length, from the curiously cute tips of her toes up to the soft yet strong thighs that emerge from the high cuts of the-

I swallow and avert my eyes. That way lies madness.

Hmm… on one hand, a maid. On the other hand, a bunny girl. On the third hand, a quiet bookstore type. On the fourth hand, a blanket-clad hikkikomori cutie.

.

_1. Dress up girls in cute outfits._

_2. Bring girls out to attract customers._

_3. ?_

_4. Profit!_

.

"Hello, what's this?" The ever-smiling Koizumi has just entered the clubroom. "I didn't know there was a cosplay party today. Then again-" And she gestured to her Koyouen High uniform. "I could say I'm always cosplaying."

Knock it off. Don't make things more complicated than they already are.

"Maybe I'll go Cool Biz, too." And Koizumi began popping the buttons of her blazer.

If more clothes than necessary come off, I'll sue you for sexual harassment.

"Mikuru-chan, you sit here." And Haruhi began combing Asahina-san's curly hair into a ponytail, the perfect image of an elder sister tending to her cute younger sister.

The blazer-less Koizumi sits herself beside me. She has a foxy expression on her pretty face as she leans her shoulder into my upper arm and looks up at me. "Shall we play a children's card game, Kyon-kun? This time for the world?"

So long as it's not strip poker, and we don't do it on motorcycles.

"That's a shame."

Denied.

I quickly prove that Koizumi 'Railgun' Itsuko, the third most powerful Esper in the world, sucks at children's card games.

"Glowing white power explodes out of the tip of the suspiciously-specifically-denied-to-be-phallic magic wand brandished by your Dark Is Not Evil Magic User. The wave motion blast of pure white sweeps aside the unready defenses of my Pale-Scaled Mythical Flying Mythological Reptile With Cobalt Pupils and penetrates into the tender vitals..."

Trust Koizumi to make a children's card game sound dirty while maintaining an innocent smile.

"At this rate, I will be sent to the Shadow Realm..."

You mean a Sealed Reality.

Meanwhile, Haruhi continues to tie up the trembling Asahina-senpai's auburn locks into various hairdos, mostly ponytails, while Nagato's gaze remains lost within her shoujo manga.

And I ask myself: What are we here for?

.

"_My name is Haruhi Suzumiya. I am not interested in any ordinary humans. If there are any aliens, time travelers, or espers among you, please come to me now."_

.

That's right. We're here because of Haruhi Suzumiya, the girl who is putting her legs on display for me. She was the one who wanted to find for aliens, time travelers, and espers.

.

"…_I believe that since there are so many people in this world, there has to be someone who is living an extraordinary, exciting life._

.

And you know what? She was right. Aliens, time travelers, and espers did exist. And she had gathered them in this mundane clubroom at an ordinary high school.

.

_"But why isn't that person __**me**__?"_

.

And yet she didn't know about. The girl who is the apparent center of the world as we know it, the girl who is allegedly God... Haruhi Suzumiya didn't know that the extraordinary people she was seeking were right in front of her.

The one who knew... the one who had to deal with aliens from a different dimension, time travelers from the future, blue giants, or shockers... the one who was going through her idea of fun... was me.

.

_"So when I entered junior high, I decided to change myself. I wanted to let the world know that I'm not a girl who will only sit and wait. I believe I've tried my best. But everything is still the same. And now I'm in high school, still hoping for something to change."_

_._

But this afternoon, we did nothing special. We didn't create artificial data spaces, we didn't meet supersized Asahina-senpai from the future, and we didn't fire railguns at celestial beings.

Instead, we let the flow of time carry us at the idle pace of high school life. The Alien quietly pored through a shoujo manga. The Time Traveler was happily busying herself preparing a new batch of tea while wearing a frilly maid outfit. The Esper grinned at me even though her Skeleton Pirate Navy had been sunk by my Highly Conspicuous Ninja Clan. And God is a bunny girl slouching in a chair.

It was normal a day as could be.

To be honest, I should be unhappy with this. I am surrounded by the most amazing people in the world. A cast as wacky as this should be getting into hijinks every single day.

But then I realized that I was thinking too much. I remembered that I had so much time on my hands. I was only 15, after all. And with just that, I would once more be satisfied. I would look forward to tomorrow with new hope.

And besides, as totally normal as we are acting right now, this is one of the things that has made my high school life surprisingly satisfying. Sure, practically everyone in this room has harassed me, and the shocker girl in particular showed me that she could blast apart a blue giant in a gray world. But how was I sure that I had not imagined things? I could have been hypnotized or suffered hallucinations, like the mental illness that Haruhi claims falling in love is.

Haruhi... I am still sort of angry at her for forcing me to join her club. Yet it's thanks to her that I met such interesting people. I'm sure that other normal people like me would love to join this club if only they knew what went on.

Yet someone remained in the dark about this. And ironically, that person is the root of it all.

Haruhi Suzumiya.

.

"Good afternoon, Suzumiya-san, Kyon-kun, Nagato, Koizumi-san, Asahina-senpai."

Standing at the open door of the SOS Brigade Clubroom, Asakura Ryoko smiled at us.

So began the end of the world as we know it.

Good grief.

.

**To Be Continued**

.

* * *

.

**Author's Notes: **My thanks to **User 627**, who shook me out of my years-long malaise to finally finish this long-dormant chapter.

The new anime featured here is Angel Beats! Death from the Discworld books also appears.

Now, please excuse me. I need to go utterly mad.

.

DEATH OF THE AUTHOR

**.**

**Haruhi:** "What the hell? Sheo! What's with the scene in the Disclaimer? Why'd I turn into an Eldritch Abomination? I thought I was God?!"

**Madoka Kaname:** "You were wrong. I'm God-" _*smiles*_ "-**Hahiru**-san."

**Haruhi:** "What did you call me, you little pink-haired **Witch**-"

**Sasaki:** "But Kyouko and the others said I was God..."

**Kyouko Sakura:** "Are you daft? Everyone in the Anglican Church knows Morgan Freeman is God."

**Index Librorum Prohibitorum:** "Hear, hear!"

**Misora Kasuga: **"Blasphemy! Heresy! Alanis Morisette is God!"

**Kyon:** "...and this is why I'm atheistic..."

.

**Gott ist tot. Gott bleibt tot ist. Und wir haben ihn getötet. Wie sollen wir trösten uns, die Mörder aller Mörder? Was war Heiligste und Mächtigste, was die Welt noch nicht gehört hat, hat verblutet unter unsern Messern: Wer wird dieses Blut von uns wischen? Welches Wasser ist für uns da, um uns zu reinigen? Was Festivals der Sühne, welche heiligen Spiele werden wir erfinden müssen? Ist nicht die Größe dieser Tat zu groß für uns? Müssen wir nicht selber zu Göttern werden, zu erscheinen würdig?**

.

**Hayate Yagami:** "Did he just talk in Ancient Velkan?"

**Garm One:** "Belkans? Are those suspiciously similar substitutes to Nazi Germany planning to cause another forgotten war?"

**Kyon:** "Why are you getting so worked up about squirrels? It's just the 'God is dead' quote by Nietzsche that the Author ran through Google Translate to turn it into ominous Gratuitious German."

.

**The Death of the Author. An author's intentions and biographical facts (the author's politics, religion, etc) should hold no weight when coming to an interpretation of his or her writing; that is, that a writer's interpretation of his own work is no more valid than the interpretations of any of the readers.**

.

**Haruhi:** "...is he trying to sound cool and nihilistic by babbling nonsense?"

**Kyon:** "The Author hasn't been quite right in the head for quite a few months now. He even stole that entire paragraph from the TV Tropes entry of the same name."

.

_**Do you know there is no Hope in this world?**_

_**And Despair is the only truth I've got?**_

_**Yami no kirisaite~**_

.

**Kyon:** "And now he's cribbing lines from the song Spiral by Dustz, which served as the opening song of the Blood-C anime, the Best Comedy of 2012..."

.

**HEADCHOMP OM NOM NOM MOGU MOGU**

.

**Mami Tomoe:** "B-b-but I thought you liked me, Sheo? I thought you said you would be my friend! You promised me that we'd be together forever!"

**Marimo Jinguuji:** "How cruel! I thought you liked me after you said my ending in Muv-Luv Extra was the best even if it was a Bad End!"

**Yui Takamura:** "Stop resurrecting my trauma from my days as a wet-in-the-nose trainee witnessing the gory demise of my entire squad! Yuuya, I'm Jelly for you! Stop looking at the Scarlett Twins and Chinese Miku!"

**Gretel Jeckeln:** "Snap out of it, Comrades! That includes you, Comrade Author! Or else, by the authority bestowed upon me by the Party..." *puts on a Nice Hat and takes out a Makarov pistol* "...if you will not serve as a combatant on the front line, then you will serve as an example on the firing line!"

**Horatio Caine:** "Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Unable to handle the thought of 'A God I am,' the fan fiction writer Sheo Darren went mad with the revelation. In short, you could say he has-" _*puts on sunglasses*_ "-lost his head."

**Kyon:** "Flat What."

.

**You are... all of you... garbage...**

.

**Maya Ibuki:** _*whirls in her chair*_ "Magi reports a Blood Pattern Blue! Sheo Darren has spontaneously transformed into a Cherubim like the ones found in Nobody Dies!"

**Gendou Ikari: **_*hands tented in front of his face*_ "Just as planned. Send out... the Super Hero Squad..."

_*and to the catchy theme of the cartoon*_

**Touma Kamijou:** _*raises his right fist*_ "That illusion of yours... I'm going to kill it!"

**Shirou Emiya:** _*summons Unlimited Blade Works*_ "My whole life has been Unlimited Blade Works!"

**Godou Kusanagi:** _*summons the [Sword] of spell words of the [Warrior] aspect of Verethragna a.k.a. Gate of Unlimited Golden Blade Works*_ "Fallen Author Sheo Darren! Your The Will and The Word is the authority usurped from the sorcerers of Belgariad and Malloreon!"

**Issei Hyoudo:** _*invokes the Cardinal Crimson Promotion/True Crimson Dragon Emperor form of his Boosted Gear Scale Mail*_ "For Club President's tits!"

**Shinji Ikari:** _*eyes glowing red as Unit-01 goes Cold Berserker*_ "GIVE. AYANAMI. BACK."

**Yuuya Bridges:** _*raises the sword of Shiranui Type 2 TSF*_ "YAMATO DAMASHII!-!-!"

**Kyon:** _*facepalms*_ "...what is this, I don't even-"

.

**...And that was how the Mad Author, Sheo Darren, was killed in this Author Notes, forever ending any chance of his fics updating…**

**But that was a lie :P**

.

* * *

.

**Omake!**

RAGE AGAINST THE HEAVENS

_Save the world by Overloading it with fun Suzumiya Haruhi Brigade_

_versus_

_Like Hell I'm Dead Battlefront_

.

**Round One**

**Fight!**

.

"I've found you, God! Now I'm going to kill you!"

"Come and get some, you rip-off of me!"

Such is the latest snippet from the furious exchange between Haruhi Suzumiya and Yuri Nakamura. Of words, that is, as the two of them are yelling at each other from opposite sides of the battlefield while everyone else does the real fighting and (briefly) dying.

If you're wondering what this is all about, back when the Author was saner and nicer, he had hit upon the brilliant idea of engineering a Let's You And Him Fight scenario between Haruhi and Yuri. This he accomplished by merging the baseball episodes of Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu Season 1 and Angel Beats! into a bonus story, which he will turn into a proper one-shot fan fiction in the uncertain future if 2012 doesn't prove to be Doomsday.

Yes. He came up with this when he was more sane.

Haruhi being Haruhi and, as I understand it from my partner here- what was your name again?

"Otonashi. Yuzuru Otonashi."

Thanks, Otonashi-kun. Well, apparently Yuri –whom I knew as Yurippe and, before that, Not-Haruhi at the beginning of this chapter– is even more evil than Haruhi, if you can believe it. So this bloodbath between the SOS Brigade and the Like Hell I'm Dead Battlefront was unavoidable.

Fortunately, considering the Author remains a relatively nice person despite his recent mental degeneration, this battle is Played For Laughs. The SOS Brigade is practically invincible and the Battlefront troopers cannot die even if they are killed. Thus, Hilarity Ensued.

"Mi-Mi-Mikuru Beam!"

"Naoi Ayato commands you… obey me!"

"Railgun!"

"TK changes… into… Angemon! Heaven's Knuckle!"

See?

I mean, even Mori-san –she's a part of Koizumi's organization who pretends to be a maid- got into this fight. I still can't believe she's a ninja meido.

"I will show Kyon-san what I can do!" And she promised me this with a brief sideways glance and a blush.

Oh, no, Mori-san, not you, too…

"How shallow!" her rival ninja, a blue-haired girl who wears a long scarf a la Strider Hiryu, shoots back.

Mori-san's pretty face flares red. "D-don't call my first love shallow!" she snapped. "Rasengan!"

"Chidori!"

I'm surrounded by idiots, morons, and tsundere.

"Join the club," Otonashi groans.

Providing surprisingly apt background sound effects is a triple-threat Rock Off between ENOZ-

.

_watashi tsuiteiku yo_

_donna tsurai sekai no yami no naka de sae_

_kitto anata wa kagayaite_

_koeru mirai no hate_

_yowasa yue ni tamashii kowasarenu you ni_

_my way kasanaru yo_

_ima futari ni God bless..._

.

-Girls Dead Monster-

.

_aruitekita michi furikaeru to_

_iya na koto bakkari demo uunzari da yo_

_fureru mono o kagayakashiteyuku_

_sonna michi o ikitekitakatta yo_

.

-and-

.

_Please don't say you are lazy!_

_Dake honto wa crazy!_

.

-Hokago Tea Time, whoever they are. Oh, their lead singer just tripped on the microphone cable-

"Iyaaah!"

Cannot unsee blue-and-white stripes… or do I want to unsee?

The only sane men –me and Otonashi- are doing what we do best. That is, bleeding our guts out all over the ground while the culprits of our frustrated homicides are now reenacting the climactic knife-fight from the 1980s Dune movie, the one with Patrick Stewart as Gurney Halleck, where people blow up other people by yelling into wrist boxes.

"Stabby Happy!"

"Guard Skill: Hand Sonic."

So, Otonashi, is Angel a yandere, too?

"No, Kyon, Kanade is a kuudere. And Asakura is a yangire, not a yandere."

Is there a difference?

"There is. Sheo made a mistake way back. He's only openly correcting it now."

I guess there is… Hey, even you call me by that stupid name?

"Baka," Hoshino Ruri herself mutters at us as she passes by. Then: "Kyon."

Good grief. We should have played with the Furukawa Bakery Team instead...


End file.
